Twelve years ago I was in a very dark place in my life. I was at a point where I just didn’t see any future or any hope of a better future. I was isolated, had just ended an engagement to a man who turned out to be crazy, I lived in a Midwestern town in the middle of winter, and I was scared to death. A psychic (which I didn’t believe in at the time), told me words that have become a mantra for my life. She said, “You are a powerful woman. You created this. You can create something different.”
I began a journey in that moment that has come in fits and starts, but its inevitable outcome was creating a life that I love. Its elements may not be the ones you want for yourself, but the journey toward the vision and the somewhat rocky trip to the land of hope can be a motivation for you to create the life you love. You do have the power within you. And, I’m not talking about “The Secret.” I minimally believe in that concept. What I am talking about is a journey of surrender to what is, of loving yourself the way you are, of taking the best parts of yourself and building something that resonates with your soul even if you are 40, 50, 60 or even older. It’s mainly about learning to listen to yourself and taking some risks with your life.
For me, the past 10 years or so has been about learning to pray, learning to surrender to God’s plan for me, learning to ask for help and connecting to that little curly haired girl who was ignored and silenced by my own and others vision of what a “successful” life looked like. I want to share the work I’ve done. I also want to share with you the day to day struggles that I still battle in order to stay grounded in this life that changes every moment. I want to share resources that were helpful to me as I’ve gone through divorce, addiction recovery, financial upheaval and various other life struggles. I hope that you will find it helpful. If not, I hope you will find it funny and hopeful. If nothing else, I have learned to laugh as I move through this.
I went through a divorce in 2007 which was very painful. I’ll talk about it in future posts because it’s a huge part of my story and who I am today. But, suffice it to say that it was one of the most terrifying events of my life. I loved that man even though he was not good for me…and, YES, you can love someone that is not good for you. It tore my heart in half to let go of that dream. But, one of the most terrifying things I faced was the prospect of being single at 48. I HATED the idea. It was the one thing I could not accept and I couldn’t face, because, you see, in my mind…being single was being unlovable….yes, unlovable. It was the kiss of death.
An acquaintance recommended a book to me that I read and read and re-read and re-read again. It was by Judy Ford, and it was called Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent. If you are facing the unthinkable…being Single again….read this book. You are not ready to read this if you are still grieving your divorce. That’s a different issue. This is about moving forward, about imagining some hope of happiness when you are in that “in between” place at the end of a relationship or if you’ve just always felt second class because you were not able to maintain a relationship.
For now, know that a life beyond your wildest dreams is possible. I’m 51, and I know it to be true. More to come….