Man Warning: the intended audience for this post is heterosexual women. You are treading on holy ground if you choose to read this! 😉
So, let’s talk about boys…men…guys…hotties…eye candy…whatever you want to call them. Men—they are that undeniably frustrating, hard to understand, totally irresistible opposite sex. After both of my divorces I went through a period of time where I was totally uninterested in men. I just wanted my life back and didn’t want to share it with anybody. But, eventually that urge to find that hard body to snuggle with, laugh with and yes, get naked with starts driving me back to the dating field.
I don’t know if men really understand how scary it is for us to date. First of all, we are so driven by our emotional life. If we start to really like somebody, it’s scary to let ourselves go there because it hurts like hell if we get dumped or if we have to hurt him. I know there have been times in my life that I haven’t dated specifically because I didn’t have the energy to deal with the emotional fallout. If I finally get over that hurdle, which is a big one, I then have the physical safety issue to worry about. There are so many dangerous men out there that I don’t even mess around with anybody that seems unsafe anymore. How do I judge safe men to date?
For me, a man is safe, emotionally and physically if:
- He honors my boundaries and doesn’t try to talk me out of them.
- He has some awareness (and preferably accountability) of his part in his past relationship failures.
- He is consistent – that “come here, go away” crap is emotionally unsafe for me.He has at least one strong, long term male friendship, preferably more.
- He is at least a year from a divorce or live-in relationship.
- He has no active addictions to substances, pornography, gambling or sex. Workaholism and untreated codependency are big yellow flags as well.
Once I get past the safety issue there aren’t a lot to choose from…just kidding…well, maybe! I’m trying to be hopeful! The rule I try to follow is “If you are not into me, I’m not into you” – PERIOD. I’ve always been attracted to the “come here, go away” type all my life. My last experience was so horrible that I run from it now. I usually have to have some other woman chasing me so I’ll run, but I can’t do that again. It destroys me emotionally. It is
way too much work. Give me a guy that’s just who he is and is into girls and me in particular, and I’ll be happy as a clam.
So, what do I love about guys that keeps me coming back for more? Well….let me count the ways.
I love the way they are obsessed with their toys…not THAT toy….their boats and motorcycles and garages, etc. On Match.com they have pics of themselves with their cars and fish and motorcycles. I chuckle affectionately every time I see one of those pics.
I love the fact that they are little boys inside. If they ever let you get past that ego and fear driven rough exterior, they are so sweet and vulnerable and insecure.
I love masculine energy and focus. It’s so much more focused and driven than my emotionally driven feminine energy. I just love it when a man takes charge and takes care of things. Oh, and give me one that’ll stand up to me when I’m wrong – that will steal my heart forever.
I love a man that likes women. I don’t mean one that likes to bed women…-although that would be part of it. I mean one that likes the fact that women are different and they can’t figure us out. I love a man that’s fascinated by the opposite sex and really wants to know the particular woman they are dating.
I love a man that likes to kiss. If a man can just enjoy kissing, it tells me that he can wait..he can be patient…he can enjoy the moment. That’s what sex is, right? Being present and enjoying the moment? For that matter, that’s what life is about, isn’t it?
And my Achilles heel is a man that is intelligent and has a way with words. This is the one where I can start lying to myself about reality.
“Well, he drinks a little too much, but it’s not that bad.”
“Yeah, he’s still married …….. but only legally.”
“So, he wears a red suit and a cowboy hat to cover up his horns…it’s just a fashion statement.”
The fact is that being with a member of the opposite sex is difficult because…well… they are opposite us on a variety of levels. But, the gift of that work is that it has stretched me to appreciate my femininity more and to appreciate people who are different. When I was younger, I couldn’t tolerate differences very well. I hope as I’ve become more experienced that I can tolerate the differences better and accept the fact that everybody has shortcomings. Who knows? I’m an imperfect work in progress.
Doesn’t every little girl dream of being Scarlett O’Hara that day at the BBQ at Twelve Oaks, surrounded by all the young bucks in the county? Every one of them posturing for a dance with her…..her giggles and smile being the focal point of all that beautiful masculine energy…ahhhh…that’s the stuff that life is made of.
But, then there was the war, and they all ran away, leaving her to take care of the damn house.
Reality bites, Scarlett….