Girl Talk: Leaving Your Lover

The Best Breakup Scene Ever……

My Facebook pals help me with my blog topics on occasion. Funny thing is, many of my Facebook friends I’ve never met in person, but we talk frequently on Facebook. I love that. I ran into one of them last night at Starbucks. “I know you,” I said. I had no clue from where, but the face was really familiar. “I’m one of your Facebook friends. I’m Keith,” he said. Oh, yeah! Keith also reads and comments on my blog. I probably never would have know him otherwise. So, today I posted on Facebook that I was writing about how to dump somebody. Men and women chimed in with jokes and some serious banter on what is a good way to do it and what is not.

Guys:

  • Tell them it is not working for you and be done with it. Don’t have sex with them right after you tell them. Girls always do stupid stuff like that and then they wonder why they have stalkers.
  • Tell Em you’re pregnant … They’ll run like their pants are on fire ….Note: This only works when a gal is breaking up with a guy. It would sound stupid coming from a guy.
  • Be ambiguous. You might change your mind or want to make a 2 am phone call. (He later said this was just for cuddling not sex.) Sure, I know lots of guys who make booty calls for cuddling.
  • If you want to transition to friends with occasional benefits then make sure you are straight forward about that conversation so that when you have sex post break up there are no misunderstandings as to what that means.
  • You Just slip out the back, Jack
    Make a new plan, Stan
    You don’t need to be coy, Roy
    Just listen to me
    Hop on the bus, Gus
    You don’t need to discuss much
    Just drop off the key, Lee
    And get yourself free.
    Although this is not working for me anymore 🙂 The straight truth is always good as opposed to the vague truth 🙂
  • You can sneak around, lie and cheat, move in with some guy and stalk your ex for another year like my ex did.

Gals:

  • Best breakup ever for me: total disappearance. Vaporized myself entirely. Keeping myself emotionally distant throughout the entire relationship helped with that.
    (Didn’t say it was healthy, just satisfied all my immediate desires.)
  • Breaking up is difficult because you don’t want them to become your stalker. Best bet is to make them think it’s their idea.
  • It’s over. Woman up ! The End!
  • Back in the day I usually did something to make them break up with me. That normally was to let them feel good but now I wouldn’t care.
  • What I did that worked: I prayed and meditated, sat alone with it. Watched the interaction with that person, did a mini 4th step on pros and cons. Then the time came within a few weeks where I said calmly that it’s not working for me anymore and that it hinders my spiritual pathway. I did not want to continue the relationship, but I wanted to be friends when and if it was possible.

As for me, I’m been on both ends of the “dumping” equation numerous times. The worst one was when I dumped a guy I really liked because I could tell we were just not a fit with our communication and lifestyles. I told him vaguely that I thought our approach to life was very different, and I didn’t see how we could make anything work. He came back with an long list of all my shortcomings so that I understood he was going to dump me anyway. Now, why did he do that? I tried to be very respectful of him and not make him “wrong”, but he chose the exact opposite approach. My self-esteem went down the toilet for a few days until a friend told me that he was probably doing that because of his ego. Well, great…so I had to suffer? Well, kiss my grits…

The one thing I have realized in dating relationships (this does not include long-term significant other relationships) is that the whole dating thing is an exploration over whether or not you are a match. The exploration can last for one date or 6 months, but it takes a long time to know what someone is really like and whether or not you want to pursue something long term. There are so many things to consider:

  • Lifestyle
  • Future goals
  • Sexual compatibility
  • Communication styles
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Financial management styles
  • Backgrounds
  • Interests
  • And, of course, personalities

Everytime I get dumped, I immediately think there was something they didn’t like about me. But, the truth is, unless you’ve known somebody for a long time, they really don’t know you. They may have an idea of who they think you are, and you might think you know who they are, but neither is true. So, the reality is that, for some reason, you are not compatible. It’s really not about you. But, it always FEELS personal. The truth is that one person’s pet peeve is another person’s preferred style. So, for anybody to tell you that something is WRONG with you because you don’t act/look/react/smell right, that’s just crap. You are just not their cup of tea.

I avoid any kind of explanation as to why I’m not interested. I say something like “I don’t think we’re a match” or “I don’t think we’re looking for the same thing.” I usually use the latter when they are eager to get married right away or have sex on the first date. And, I’ve seen both. I actually had one guy ask if he could spend the night on our first date, and then he got offended because I asked him to go to Tupelo for the weekend a month later. He thought that was way too fast. And, sleeping with me on the first date was not? Explain that to me. But, I ALWAYS say something. I owe them that. Even if they are not very nice to me, I have to be responsible for my side of the street.

In general, my girlfriends have all said in some form or fashion:

  • Don’t be vague.
  • Tell the truth.
  • Don’t drag it on.
  • Break it off, and do it clean.
  • Say something don’t just let it drop.

My guy friends, on the other hand, seem to be more….ahem….passive (or passive-aggresive):

  • Just be vague. Don’t hurt her feelings.
  • Try to be friends or friends with benefits.
  • Just disappear. She’ll get the message.

I’m not making any judgments about this, but I had more women tell me of the painful breakups they had where someone just disappeared or ended a relationship by not calling as often and then dropping it altogether. It leaves us hanging and we’re not sure if it’s over or why. We actually don’t get the message that quickly. So, if you’re a man and are delusional that just dropping off the face of the earth is somehow less hurtful, wake up. It’s probably more hurtful.

I asked some friends to text me their worst breakup stories:

Lisa #1: I dated this guy for 2 years. We went to a party one night with friends, and the night ended just as usual. He said he’d call the next day. It’s been a year, and I haven’t heard from him since.

Lisa #2: Two weeks ago I met someone online. We clicked. I met some of his friends. We spent Sunday together. He said, “I’ll call you later tonight. Haven’t heard from him. He’s been on the site regularly so I know he’s alive and well. Told me I was his soulmate. He’d been looking for someone like me for 48 years. Argh!

John: I was with someone who got very offended when I proposed “friends with benefits.” She repeatedly brought up my failings (during the relationship) and how she could not marry someone with such failings. So I said I understood and proposed that we be friends with benefits until Mr. Right came along, and then I would gracefully exit. I think she expected me to promise to change. She got very offended at what I thought was a logical solution to a dilemma that seemed to be causing her stress.

Elizabeth: (She dated a guy long distance for 8 months. She rented her house, got a temporary job and was moving closer to him to see if they could make it a “go.”) He just switched off and stopped contacting me. Then, when I called he pretended we’d always been just pals.

Teri: I had a guy avoid me on Valentine’s Day. I freaked out. He came over and told me that it doesn’t feel right anymore.

My favorite breakup songs. Enjoy!

Jaron Wood – Pray for You

Tim McGraw – Please Remember Me

George Strait – Give It Away

4 thoughts on “Girl Talk: Leaving Your Lover

  1. Well here is a story that didn’t make your list… A buddy of mine (really) dated a guy for over a year. They took a trip to Hawaii.. Upon arrival he announced he wanted to go to a gay bar. She asked why, and his reply, “Because I’m gay!” Not a fun vacation and the end of that one year party needless to say. So maybe that is a tip to add to the list… its no crazier than “I’m pregnant” haha … just tell your heterosexual date, “gee I’m gay, so we are over” haha.

  2. 1. The being vague thing is hogwash. I want to know the truth. The “I don’t think it’s going to work; we’re not compatible” line is horse shite. Tell me what the issue is. It’s all good.

    2. Make it clean and simple. Just break and move on.

    and sexual compatibility is as important as personality compatibility. AS IMPORTANT. (not more; not less.)

    • Thanks, Rock, for your comments and for reading my blog. The reason I don’t discuss issues is because I don’t want to be in relationship with the person, so why do I care to discuss the issue? It’s a waste of my time. Now, if there was some issue that was something everyone would find offensive, I might say something. But, most of the time, it’s just my thing or I just dislike them, so there’s no point in talking about it.

      And, if our personalities don’t mesh, you will never find out if we are sexually compatible. So, it’s probably more important to me. You can’t get there if we don’t get along.

      Thanks again for your comments. Keep reading and speaking your mind, babe. I appreciate it!

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