I woke up in fear this morning. Right before I woke up, I had this bad dream about Momma. She didn’t die. She just disappeared. I went in a store and was shopping longer than anticipated, and when I came back to the car, the car was gone. My dog, who was with her, was in the parking lot. I woke up before I could find out what happened. You can be sure I’ll be calling her this morning when she gets up.
So, I woke up…….. filled with fear. Immediately, I started thinking about my age. I have a birthday next week. I saw my financial planner a few weeks ago, and I’ve been budgeting to pay off some bills the last few weeks – some expenses that were a result of living beyond my means. So, of course, in my fear from the dream, I start worrying about everything in my life that I have to fear:
- Am I going to have enough?
- Should I sell my house?
- Can I really afford to have someone clean my house and take care of my yard?
- What if I die soon? Are my affairs in order?
- What if I have to buy a car this year?
- What if I get sick?
- What if I don’t get sick and live to be 100? How will I financially manage that?
- OMG….how am I going to pay for health insurance when I’m retired?
All this is swirling around in my brain as I lay awake – terrified- at 3:40 in the morning. My dog gets up, and she thinks it’s time to get up and get moving. “I’m going back to sleep. We’re not getting up,” I tell her. Right??? My anxiety is ramped up so high that I toss and turn until 4:30. I know I can’t drink coffee. That will ramp my anxiety up even further. So, I’m sitting here with my green tea. I pick up my January 10 reading in The Language of Letting Go titled….you guessed it…….Fear. Good Morning, God. You do have a sense of humor, don’t you?
Melody Beattie’s message is simple. Fear stops us from moving forward in our lives. She tells a story about writing two chapters of a book, and she re-read it. It was horrible. She called a writer friend, and her friend reasonably told her, “Those chapters are fine. Stop being afraid. Stop criticizing yourself. Keep writing.” The book that she almost threw away eventually made it to the New York Times Bestseller List.
The message: My best is good enough. That’s really all I can do anyway, right? This morning, I have to get up, walk my dog in the rain, follow my budget, handle any emergencies, go to work and call my Mother. That’s the task that’s put before me. I need to minimize my caffeine and sugar intake today because I know my anxiety level is already high. Oh yeah, and I have to run 5 miles tonight and go to TRX according to my personal trainer’s plan for me. After that, I should definitely feel like sleeping.
My blog site WordPress.com offers daily prompts for writing topics. Yesterday’s prompt was: Your biggest fear is trapped in the room with you. What does it look like? I don’t know what it looks like. I certainly know what it feels like. I’m feeling it right now. I feel like I did when I was a little girl, and I was afraid that we were poor. What if we don’t have enough money? What if I lose my parents? What if one of them gets sick? Funny….this isn’t an unfamiliar fear…..the players have changed. Now, I’m in charge. But, the fear is still there…the same fear that little curly-haired girl had laying in her bedroom surrounded by Barbies and softball gloves. The room looks different, the curly hair is grayer, but the fear……the fear is the same. My best is good enough. Keep walking, little girl.
Categories: Living Series