I woke up at 3 AM this morning reeling in total anxiety. There was no reason for me to feel anxious. There was nothing on my mind. But, my body was wired! My heart was racing. I was wide awake. I couldn’t even land on anything to worry about because everything, for the moment, is cool. When I was finally able to get my mind straight, I realized I was just experiencing my normal generalized anxiety.
I am often insane. The defininition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting the same result, right? Well, I’ve been really sleepy since the time change. I usually don’t have any issues with the spring time change. It’s usually more difficult for me in the fall. Don’t ask me why. I’m weird that way. But, going to bed earlier and getting up earlier are usually no problem. I slide right through it, thrilled to have more daylight time in the evenings. Not this year. It’s totally messed me up. So, Monday, I had a cup of coffee after lunch and then Tuesday I had one in the morning. I will NEVER learn!
My body does not respond well to coffee. I mean, it wakes me up for an hour or two, and, of course that’s why I love it. But, it does something to my nervous system that ramps up my anxiety levels which impacts my sleep. I know some people just stop drinking coffee after a certain time, and they are fine, but not me! No, I’m different. It’s not the caffeine….it’s the way it impacts my wacky anxiety-prone system. So, I spent about 30 minutes at 3 AM chanting the Serenity Prayer…God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference….over and over again until I fell asleep…just in time for the alarm to go off.
I have known that coffee no longer works for me for over 10 years. And, yet, that “hit” that coffee gives me is so seductive…so cunning…so baffling…..so powerful….you see where I’m going here, don’t you? Coffee is alcohol to me. I have this crazy, familiar hope that this time it will be different. This time I can drink it normally and get those fabulous effects without the downside. This time I can drink it without consequences. Right….insanity….I surrender.
So, yesterday, I went to the Fresh Market and dished out $19 for 1.5 oz. of Matcha…green tea’s version of espresso. It gives me the hit of energy and clear-headedness without the downside of the anxiety. I HATE paying that much for this stuff. But, it’s a small price to pay for the right kind of high – the kind of high that gives back to me instead of waking me up in the middle of the night and stealing my sleep again. It’s the kind of energy and high that comes from adjusting myself to reality and dealing with who I am and my own shortcomings. This morning, I feel sane. I am alert and awake from drinking my morning Matcha. But, I sure do miss coffee. Keep coming back, sweetie……