Disclaimer to my parents:
This blog contains some sexual innuendo and maybe some outright explicit sexual detail. I have no knowledge of what any of that means. My friend Jascia told me about this stuff. I am as pure as the driven snow.
I administer and train managers on Hiring and Selection of candidates. Part of this process is using behavioral interview questions. The idea behind behavioral interviewing is that past performance will predict future performance. My friend Jascia and I decided that there are certain screenings that need to be completed before a romantic relationship begins with a suitable candidate. We set to work to devise the perfect selection Criteria.
First of all, there will be an application process. In this process, certain basic requirements must be met.
Basic requirements are:
Are you single? This would mean that the divorce is final. That’ means that there has been a court date, the papers have been signed and filed, and she no longer lives in the house. This does not mean, as my ex told me, that you are spiritually divorced. There must be some legal documentation. You will need to provide that documentation if you are selected.
Note: In some rare instances, a married candidate may be selected. But, he will have to be really hot, rich and able to travel extensively.
Please complete all information fully:
- Name of any ex to whom you were engaged, married or lived in sin. (Note: If there are more than 4, you are automatically disqualified.)
- Please provide complete contact information for all exes.
- Please provide a detailed description of the ending of each relationship cited above.
Note: All references will be checked.
After the initial screening process, a coffee date will occur. During this date, the Behavioral Questions will be asked. Below each question is the preferred answer and any answers that would cause immediate dismissal.
All of us have had times when we have lost our temper. Tell me about a time when you really lost it. What happened and what was the result?
Best Answer: Well, I called my girlfriend a bad name. I immediately apologized and purchased her some new shoes of her desired style. The result was that we had wild and crazy sex for several hours afterwards.
Immediate Dismissal: Anything else.
Tell us about a time when your girlfriend caught you looking at another woman. What happened?
Best Answer: There are other women?
Immediate Dismissal: Yes, I looked at another woman.
Tell us how you go about planning a first date.
Best Answer: I do as much research as I can on the woman’s interests. I try to find things of interest to her. For instance, if she’s an outdoor person, I might plan something special like a kayaking trip. If she’s into fine dining, I’ll make reservations at the nicest restaurant in town. I wash my car so that it will be clean. I have my uni-brow waxed. I buy a token gift like some chocolates or some flowers, nothing too excessive. I make sure that I get to her house on time.
Immediate Dismissal: Depends on what she can cook.
We all have things that we do to take care of our appearance and our health. What are some of the things you do that are important?
Best Answer: I pump iron. I run. I keep my weight down. I wax my uni-brow. I wax my back hair. I brush my teeth and use mouthwash. I make sure that I have a decent haircut that is somewhat stylish and is different from the style I wore in high school.
Immediate Dismissal: I am who I am.
We’ve all had times when we forgot condoms in order to have safe sex. Tell us about a time you did that. What happened?
Best Answer: I got dressed, went to the drugstore, bought her some chocolate and rented a chick flick to make up for my stupidity. I bought the condoms, but I made sure I bought the value pack since I didn’t want to make a second trip.
Immediate Dismissal: Condoms? I hate them.
Tell us how you feel about cunnilingus. Describe your technique.
Best Answer: I love it. Can I demonstrate?
Immediate Dismissal: Anything else but the above.
Tell us about your relationship with your most recent ex.
Best Answer: She died of natural causes.
Immediate Dismissal: I stayed at her place last night.
We all have unusual or unique sexual preferences. Tell us about yours.
Best Answer: I’m easy to please. I like everything and am satisfied with whatever my partner likes to do.
Immediate Dismissal: Anything different from the above.
After the behavioral interviewing questions are completed, any remaining candidates will be screened for drugs. They will be subjected to a financial background check, criminal background check and reference check. Once these hurdles are passed, all remaining candidates will be screened by a small panel of our peers.
After passing this panel screening, all remaining candidates may begin dating us. However, there is no contract. A candidate may be dismissed anytime for any reason. And, if there was any question that they answered dishonestly (particularly the ones on sex), they will not only be dismissed but they will be slammed on Facebook publicly and with photographs. There is a No Tolerance policy on lying.
If you would like to apply, Jascia and I will be taking applications soon. Stay tuned.