There’s No Place Like Home …. Dammit

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I presented my boss with a letter of resignation today. I’ve accepted a position in Baton Rouge. Of all the things I said I’d never do, I’m moving home. I moved away for college in 1979, and I’ve never lived in the Baton Rouge area since. And, I’ve never had any desire to do so …. until now.  Life takes some funny twists, and at 52, I’m looking at life a lot different now. It didn’t come easy, and it wasn’t my doing, but, like Dorothy, I’ve finally decided that there’s no place like home. Damn those ruby slippers. They sure were pretty, but I had no idea of the power they held to change my world.

It’s not surprising to me that God used a man to get my attention. I’ve done a lot of work around my relationships with men, and I know the power they hold over me from the very first man in my life, Daddy. I have had a love/hate relationship with the opposite sex since I was a girl child with a crush on Bobby Sherman tempered with a lust for power and control. They were contradictory sides of my personality, and I have never been able to reconcile them. But, there is a man that came into my world awhile back bringing an attraction that blew away every sensibility that I had. And, this man came from Louisiana, my girlhood home. On paper, everything about him was not what I wanted. I remember laughing when my sponsor asked me about that. “Hell, nothing makes sense about this,” I told her. The attraction was beyond comprehension intellectually on so many counts that I just threw all my intellect out the window. I decided to let myself go and take a trip on the vortex of emotional and sexual energy that was threatening to snap all of the restraints I had. I literally decided that I had made wrong decisions with my head about men all my life, and I was going to see where this led. And, I did.

This attraction took me by surprise because it was like nothing I ever wanted. Since I had no defenses up, it pulled me in. By the time I woke up to what was happening, I was already gone …. long gone. Everything happens for a reason, and I knew there was some reason in this. Like a tornado that rips buildings from their foundations, this combination of emotional and sexual energy picked me up and ripped me away from what I had long said about going home. My beliefs that I didn’t belong there … that I couldn’t relate to people there … that I was unlovable … that there was no going back … all of those beliefs that had shackled me to a decision to never go home began to strain and buckle amid its intensity. By the time I realized that the relationship itself was not sustainable, my belief system had changed. What had previously been a solid foundation for decision-making was now a vast swath of destruction. Nature hates a void, and, in the void that remained, came a distant call of history.

This blog has been a huge part of my life in the last year. In it, I have processed feelings that had long been lingering unkempt in my soul. I have found closure on relationships that had left me with open wounds. I have made connections with people that have shared their journey with me. I have emptied myself of garbage and fed myself with compassion and love. In a sense, this blog has become a place for me to rebuild. This ripping away of my former belief system has been coming since August of last year when I started writing. I know that I am a spiritual being having a human experience, and my blog has become a spiritual practice of sorts. With each topic I’ve covered, I’ve learned to love a bit of myself. The ability to hold onto myself with an opposite sex attraction of this magnitude is growth for me …. monstrous growth. And, what I’ve learned is the lesson of the ruby slippers. I’ve always had this power within me. I just had to tap into it.

In hindsight, I believe this storm has been brewing for years. I created a Dream Book a few years ago, and its title is I’m Done with Hiding. My moving away could be considered hiding in some ways. In fact, in twelve step groups, we talk of geographical cures. They never help us escape ourselves. I don’t regret moving away because I’ve loved it, but I do think it was a way of avoiding intimacy with myself. I created an altar in my yoga space that has begun to be filled with pictures painted by my nieces and nephews, gifts from my sister and mementos from my childhood. Those items, especially when filling a sacred space, start to build a spiritual connection between me and what they represent. I have my PawPaw’s bedroom suit and with it his memory. I know that he is around me all the time. While writing my blog about my deceased cousin Mike King, I tapped into some powerful emotional connections with the people who lived through that with me. This movement within me has been building steam for years, and it finally came to a head with the events of this year and that relationship. Right now, there are more contacts in my phone from home than there are in Memphis. It didn’t happen overnight, but its happened.

What I know now is that I had walls up that prevented me from seeing home as it was. I had fears about not being good enough that kept me from being real. With all of that gone or at least stripped of as much power, I have had the freedom to really look at home a bit differently. And, in the void, I’ve begun to feel an intense pull bringing me back there. I don’t know what all of that means because I’m not done yet. But, I do know that I’m curious. And, when I’m open and curious, God starts to play with me. He’s put a really attractive job opportunity in front of me and the path has been easy to navigate. My last hurdle is to get moved and sell my house. I have to close the Memphis chapter of my life. I don’t really know what this move is all about, but I know that somehow my writing, my love and compassion for myself, my history and the people of my youth will somehow be a part of it. I’m anxious to see what gifts this next adventure will bring. I pray that it will bring passion, love, success and peace. I hope that it will really, truly bring me home.

31 thoughts on “There’s No Place Like Home …. Dammit

  1. There’s no place like home.
    Who would have ever placed me & Mark together? Yet, with him, I have found unconditional love. And a peace in my life that passes all understanding. We are connected on every level. Spiritually, I know our hearts are one.
    I am proud of you for freeing yourself of life’s shackles.
    Now, bring it on home girl! We have missed you 🙂

  2. Wonderful insights…have you thought about writing a book? You have a way of inspiring people through your insights.

    • It’s definitely percolating. One of the benefits of this new job is more time off to pursue writing. I’ve also found a writers workshop in Baton Rouge I intend to attend.

  3. OMG, Sharon! Good for you! Now, I’m certainly intrigued! I couldn’t wait and had to speed-read it. I’ll read it again slowly next time. I remember the time I chunked it all and headed home (BR)…you were there. It took me a few more years, however, to meet (back) up with the man with whom I could never imagine myself without. Like Denise’s comment, JT and I share a love that is so full of love and of peace and of a connection that is honest and true. I so wan that for you, too. I am so happy for you. Now, get your butt on home, girl!

  4. Oh, Sharon, this is, as ever, a lovely piece. I am so happy for you and already I miss you. I can’t believe you’re leaving Memphis. Still, It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to do and I am so proud of you. I love you, my wise and beautiful friend.

  5. please don’t stop writing. I’m selfishly sad, and I don’t even live in memphis! so glad we met each other in midtown on elizabeth’s front porch so long ago. safe journeys, my friend

  6. Congratulations!!!!! I came by your desk this am, and I did not see you.

    I am so proud of you…. its takes a lot of guts to make a move like what you are doing.

    I wish you all the best that life has to offer…. you deserve it!!!!!

    Lets keep in touch.

    my number is 901-292-1359 email rochellewilliams68@gmail.com

    Talk to you soon!!!!!!!

  7. Wow! Wow!
    What can I say? I am so happy for you!
    You found “it”! You found what your soul has been searching for & I am just thrilled to hear it!!!
    What a journey, right? I am so glad & blessed to know that in your geograpical cure, God saw fit to bring us together, Sharon! However short that time was, I am so grateful.
    Continue your journey & always remember Who is driving that bus!
    Love you bunches!!

    • Oh, Irene! You have been such an incredible part of my journey. I still remember you handing me your little card and me feeling like God was touching me on the shoulder. Luckily, the world is very small. We will be in touch. I definitely think you need to visit me in Louisiana. You’ll love the food!

    • You and I need some personal one on one time before I leave. I’m not going to be able to do it with a lot of people, but let’s work it out. This is why I’ve been so unavailable lately. I hope that explains things. Love you… And, you’d better come see me in Louisiana!!!

  8. Sharon, it was really great to see you the other day. I really believe Facebook has had a lot to do with things. I have been in contact with cousins and old friends that I may have never seen again. Sure I will be seeing you on the river. Again, it was good to see you.

  9. O.K. I just knew there had to be something special pulling you back home. It figures that I am leaving just when you will be coming on the job. They probably couldn’t handle the both of us anyway. So glad that things worked out for you. I’m intrigued about this special relationship. I want details!

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