NOTE: The only thing going on in my life for the next few weeks at least will be moving. So, if you don’t want to read about it, I’d say take a Midlife Moments vacation. Sorry, but I’ll go insane if I don’t write about it, and this is my damn blog. Besides, you can live vicariously through me and be glad that you are not moving.
I unpacked some emotions this morning. I had some girlfriends from home come up this weekend, and we had a great time. I left them at about 10 AM this morning and with their exodus went the laughter and the fun about moving closer to them. I landed in my 12 step meeting about the time the tears started welling up. Not only was I not going back down with them today, but I was going to have to start packing. In addition, I’ve started running into people I know, and discovering that this may be the last time I see them for awhile. I’m really happy about my move, but there is a lot of grief leaving a city and people I’ve loved for the past 7 years. I feel like my emotions are all mixed up. This is one of those times that I’m going to have to accept being happy and sad at the same time. I’m also going to have to be fearful and courageous, risky and cautious and calm and energetic. I have to move forward with each step. There is no going back now. I’m moving, and there is crap to be done. All weekend I had fretted about how I was going to get all my stuff down to Louisiana without spending a small fortune. I woke up Saturday morning at about 6 AM with my stomach in an anxious knot about it. I don’t know when my house will sell, so I can’t really plan this stuff. And, I’m a planner.
I’ve already started a notebook for my moving project plan. The first page has a hand-drawn calendar with dates and lists of things I have to do and key milestones. I know. I can’t help it. It’s the way I think. I know that I have to be down in Baton Rouge on the 12 or 13th of July to start work on the 15th. That date is in stone. The rest is up for grabs. I only have to move my clothes and a few living items by that date as I’ll be living with my brother for a month. Once I get an apartment, I can work on the rest.
I came up with the idea over the weekend of hiring some college kids to move me. I could pay them a nice price to load my truck in Memphis, drive it down to Baton Rouge, unload it, and I’d send them back to Memphis on the train. Or, I could do the opposite. I could get some Baton Rouge kids to come up on the train and make the move on both ends. I’ve already found some maybes on that plan. If you are on either end and have a group of young dudes that would be willing to party in either New Orleans or Memphis and make a little extra money, then let me know. I think it would be a fun way to work for a weekend. I’d even be willing to get them a hotel at whatever end they want to stay.
So, in my meeting this morning, we talked about the slogans we use in 12 step programs. One of the ones mentioned was the Do the Next Right Indicated Thing. One of my wise friends said that he didn’t know what the next right thing was all the time, so he would just try to do the next thing he thought he should do and he’d find out if it was right soon enough. I felt like God was talking right to me. Underlying my angst about the plan for moving is the worry that I’m not doing the right thing. All signs are indicating yes, and I want to do it, but what if it breaks me financially? What if the job doesn’t turn out like I expected? What if I can’t stand the heat down there? What if I get there and hate the city? What if …?? What if …?? I have a lot of fear. My wise friend assured me that all I have to do is step out in faith, and I’ll know soon enough if it’s the right thing. If it’s not … well … I’ll figure it out. Be still and know that I am God is scrawled on my yoga room wall. When my friend Keith brought me some boxes today, we talked about how profound that Psalm is in times like these. I can’t really be still because I have crap to do, but I can be still in my soul. God is so much bigger and wiser than me. He’s got this….. whatever this is.
So, I packed my first box. It felt really good to take a step. I started stacking things up that I will be bringing to Goodwill. I had a healthy lunch, and I had a good cry. Another thing I know to do is to feel my feelings. I am afraid, and I let myself feel afraid and vulnerable. I cried, and I felt better. I burned some sweetgrass and some incense, and Elizabeth showed up with some boxes for me. She’s unpacking her stuff from a move that she had last year that didn’t exactly go as planned. And, she’s okay. It was a colossal pain in the ass, and she had a lot of feelings to move through, but she’s okay. She stood in my driveway, and I cried in her arms while I told her how hard it was for me to ask for help from people in doing this. There’s something inside of me that tells me that nobody cares about me, and that I’m not worth the effort to show up. But, she did. Keith did. My friend Elena brought me boxes. My friends from Louisiana came up to support me and show me what I have in my future. I’ve got a few more friends scheduling time to come by and help me this week.
My Siamese cat escaped and ran outside this afternoon. If that goofy cat wants to be out in that heat, that’s okay. I’m not even going to chase her. Be still and know that I am God. She’s not worried. She’s just out there for the journey. When she gets ready, she’ll come back to the door and hiss at me because I didn’t let her in right at the moment she wanted to come in. I’m a little emotionally drained right now. I think I’ll drink some tea and sit on the porch. I’ll pack up some stuff for Goodwill tonight and drop it off in the morning before work. That’s the only thing I know to do. I’ll know soon enough whether this move is the right thing or not. All I have to know that I’m okay right now. But, like Bella, I’ll probably spit and hiss a little about the fact that it’s just not exactly how I like it. Sorry… be patient with me. I’m a work in progress.