My cousin Bonni is the one that is responsible for this mess I’m in. When I first started writing this blog in August of last year, she said that she thought something big was going to come of this. In my imagination, I hoped that I would become this great writer and make lots of money and have handsome men at my beck and call. Alas … I’m moving home. That’s what’s coming of this? Oh, well. Several people have asked where I’m moving, and I’ve told them that I’m moving back home after 30 years. Yesterday, a co-worker raised her eyebrows and responded, “Well, that’ll be different.” Yes, it will. And, after saying I would never go back for 3o years, it is a big damn deal.
It was Bonni that told me about the job opening in her office. I had seen some openings in my field at LSU and called her to see if she had any contacts there. In a whirlwind, her office called for an interview, and now I’ve got the job. She texted me the other day that a friend of hers had a house for rent, and it’s starting to look like I might take that one. I kidded her yesterday that she’d found me a job and a house. “Have you found me a man yet,” I asked. Apparently, she’s still working on that one. She better hurry up. I’ll be there Tuesday. Oh, and she’s retiring on the Friday before I start work on Monday. We’re not even going to get to work together. 😦
There is nothing in my life that I have done without agency. My sister-in-law Sharon is out looking for houses for me. I didn’t ask her to. She’s just doing it. She’s been texting me pics and stats on different places. My friend Lisa has found some college boy movers willing to make the trip to Memphis. Several people are looking for temporary cat sitters for me. Jean Ann is going to cat sit if I need it for awhile. And, when I asked for help on Facebook the other day for packing and getting boxes, I have been overwhelmed by the response. Every night this week, I’ve had gal pals over to help pack. Some brought food. Others I fed. Everyone of them left saying that they felt like they didn’t do anything. I wanted it that way. Do the math. If I have 3 people working for 1 1/2 hours, it would taken me 4 1/2 hours to do it. That’s a huge help. I hope we had fun doing it. I did. I know that we laughed a lot. I had several people that were my packing materials agents. I’d walk outside, and there would be boxes sitting on the porch. I even had one friend who asked for all my give-away stuff. She would come get it and bring it to her favorite charity. I had agents to pack, haul away crap, clean and bring food.
The night that my friend Elizabeth helped me pack my living room was a hard night. We go way back and are very close. She was among my first friends in Memphis, and she saw me at my worst. She is sort of my historical agent and at times my hysterical agent. When I think that I haven’t made much progress and am in the middle of an emotional fit, she reminds me of how I was when we met. She always says, “You couldn’t sleep. All you wanted to do was sleep.” Every time she says it, it takes me back to that time when I was so anxious that my body would not rest. I had migraines for the first time in my life. I didn’t sleep at all for about 4 months. I was gaining weight. I was so anxious that I literally had the shakes. It was awful. When I remember how I was, I can put things in perspective. It’s wonderful to have people who have witnessed massive change. I forget.
After she left that night this week, my living room and my entire house had reached the tilting point. It no longer looked like mine. My heart sank. Fear welled up inside me as I thought, “OMG … what am I doing?” I went to bed and tried to just put the thoughts out of my mind. I was thinking of every horrible thing that could happen as a result of this crazy, impulsive decision. My friend Julie, who I just met over the last year or so, texted me that she wanted to make sure I had her number because she wanted to stay in touch. She added, “You’re gonna rock this!” She went on to say that God would not bring me to something that He didn’t want me to experience. My fears melted away like butter in a hot pan. She was my meltdown agent.
The fact that I have these agents … friends … helpers … guides in my life is an unbelievable blessing. When I turned 40, I had a roommate who was a medium. I didn’t believe in psychics. In fact, I wasn’t very spiritual at all. She did a reading for me, and I’ll never forget the vision that she had about my life. First of all, I was deep in depression, and she reassured me that I would not die alone. It was my biggest, darkest secret. I feared that I would die alone with nobody that would even care. She said I would live to be a very old age, and I would be surrounded by friends at the end. She told me that I was going to be the type of person that would just show up at friends’ houses uninvited. I would be spontaneous. She described me walking up in a friends backyard and saying, “Oh, you’re having a dinner party! Can I come?” She said people would love to have me come in. I remember thinking that was insane. I was an isolated, depressed woman who had a handful of friends that I really doubted liked me much at all. I was so insecure and so blinded by the filters of my depression. I couldn’t see how I would ever get to where she was describing. I can see that I am becoming that person. I’m not there yet, I still have insecurities, but the fact that I would risk rejection by asking for help is growth.
I believe that this life is a spiritual journey. I believe that I have guides that help me from the other side and from the human plane. I believe that everyone I meet has a purpose in my life. It may be for me to help them. It may be for them to help me. Some come in for a moment. Some are here for a lifetime. To those of you who are in my life, the magnificence of who you are and what you represent – God – is not lost on me. It is all divinely inspired. Our interactions are divinely blessed. Whether you help me find a job, tape up a box, take care of my cat or just text me an honest message, you are important to me. I don’t always say it, but at this time, I am absolutely floored by the people I have in my life. I am filled with gratitude. And, if you’re having a dinner party sometime in the future, don’t be surprised if I just invite myself in. Apparently, that’s the kind of person I am. I’m on my way to get there.