To My Heart:
I’ve been thinking that I should probably have a conversation with you. You are such a driving force in my life, and I never really talk to you. I don’t know why that is. Maybe it’s because you seem like a part of me. But, in reality, I think I’m a part of you. So, maybe its’ my fear of authority that keeps me from talking to you honestly. But, I’m going to give it a try today. We seem to be in a battle right now. I think I owe you an amends, and I also think you’re not giving me credit for the things I do for you to keep you going. You are also not making life easy on me now.
For one thing, I run all the time and eat healthy for your health. If you look around, not everybody does that. It takes a lot of time, and a big investment of money and energy to do the things I do to keep you ticking for as long as I can. I also go to my annual physical, which, by the way, did you hear Dr. Wallace come in and compliment me on the best EKG he’s seen in a long time? How do you like them apples? So, as much as I do for you, it seems like you could let me have my way every now and then. At least maybe you could listen to reason.
Yeah, I know. I’m sorry I uprooted you and moved you to Baton Rouge. I know it was a strain, and I took you away from all of your connections there. But, weren’t you the one that started this process, tugging at me to go back home? Wasn’t it you that was feeling so full after trips back to Louisiana? Wasn’t it you that felt like bursting with joy when I would blog about this area? It’s like you led me down one path but then as soon as I get here, you start hurting because of what we left behind. Don’t you have any logic? Can’t you just buck up and say, okay, when we make one choice, we have to let go of another – pain free? Well, nooooooooo …. that’s not what you say. You say, “okay, we’ve made this one choice, and I’m really excited about it, but, oh, I long for that old one, too. And, while we’re at it, can’t we go back a few years to Seattle, too? I miss that one, too.” Geez … it’s like you are never satisfied.
I also have a bone to pick about the people you fall in love with. You’ve been there for all the work I’ve done. You’ve been present as I’ve learned to set boundaries. You’re the one who felt safe and more secure as I got more accustomed to saying no to unsafe people and yes to safe ones. That WAS you, wasn’t it? But, then you decide that you want something else. I tell you no. This is not a good idea. And, you counter with a falling sensation that I can’t stop no matter how many walls I put up. Then you die in pain when it works out exactly like I told you it would in the beginning. That’s a shocker. You are so strong-willed at times and totally self-centered.
Yes, I know that I shut you down for the first 35 years of my life. I didn’t listen to you. I made all the decisions, and I ended up in a crappy place. But, at least I was numb. Then, when I was about 40, you just decided you were taking over, and I had no choice but to let you. And, yes, I admit that my life is 100 times better than it was back then. Yes … yes … it’s more soulful, and there’s much more love in it. But, it’s difficult to follow you. You go down paths that I can’t foresee. I can’t plan it. Last December, I never would have thought I was moving. In fact, I refinanced my house in April. Now, I lost that money because I moved. I’d just like to have a 3 year plan or something.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I’m a little frustrated with you right now. I’m trying to do the right thing, but your insistence on hurting and cracking open is causing me some distress. Right now, I need some peace and quiet so I can work and adapt. I don’t need this emotional roller coaster. You are the one who jumped into this blog as a forum to express yourself. I tried not to even get started, and look what happened when I let you take control. My dog is upset, my cats are complaining, and I left my friends in Memphis. And, you’re still not happy. Or, at least not right now. Tonight, it’s just as possible that you’ll be happy as a clam. I can’t ever predict your reaction. All I can do is roll with it. Please have a little compassion and listen to reason. I need some downtime right now. I need for you to be kind to me and just be still. Be still, my heart. Haven’t you ever heard that? I’m going to breathe. I’m going to inhale and exhale. You are fine.
I promise we’ll go for a run tonight. It’ll help us both.