There’s Nothing Sexy About the Heat

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My friend Jerry emailed me yesterday to let me know that it was 55 degrees on his balcony in Memphis. Thanks, Jerry. I’m sitting sweating my ass off in muggy, steamy Louisiana, and you’re telling me how freaking awesome the weather is. I have to be honest. One of the main reasons I never came back home was the heat. I hate it. I can’t express it adequately. I hate it….. hate it … hate it. And, now I’m in it.

For the most part, it’s been a pretty reasonable heat this summer. In fact, often I was astounded at the beautiful July days in southern Louisiana this year. People kept telling me that after August, the worst would be over. I knew they were delusional. I remember this heat being present even into November sometimes. Sure, it will get cooler than it is now, but after you feel a northern summer and fall, an 80 degree day in November with high humidity is brutal. It’s all relative. I talked to my friend Lisa this morning in Memphis and asked her about the weather. She said she had her windows and doors open, and it was really nice out. It was her favorite kind of day. I checked the weather report out in Red River NM where my parents are, and they had a high of 61 degrees today. I looked at the thermometer in my car at noon. It was 93…. and I was going to an outdoor party. Ugh…..

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Thank heavens the party was on a roofed porch and they had a big fan in one corner. I stood in front of it as long as I could without seeming like a fan hog. I walked out to my car once to get a beverage, and I was soaking wet with sweat by the time I got back to the porch where the party was held. It was basically pretty freaking miserable. I would have given anything for 5 minutes of that cooler Memphis air this afternoon. I could have easily been talked into moving back there around 3 PM. What the hell am I doing here? And, yes, I mean hell, because it sure felt like it.

In 1981 there was a movie that came out called Body Heat. It was a steamy thriller with sexy Kathleen Turner and William Hurt set in a really hot summer. The sex was hot, and the temperatures were hotter. In every scene, they were covered in sweat, fanning themselves and getting as naked as they could to get cooler. It was actually a really good movie, and it made being hot look downright sexy. But, I’m here to tell you, being hot is NOT sexy. Right now, I stink. My neck is soaking wet as I’m trying to get cool in my air-conditioned house. When I get overheated like this all day long, it takes a long time to cool down. My hair is soaking wet, curled up like corkscrews and sticking to the sides of my face and the back of my neck. My dog commenced to licking my legs as soon as I walked in to taste the salty sweat. When I tell you I don’t feel sexy, it’s an understatement. If any man came near me – unless he had an ice bag to put on my neck or against my tummy – I’d have to punch his lights out. Sorry, that’s just the redhead in me. I told you I hated the heat. It makes my grumpy.

Trailer for Body Heat

It’s been difficult to adjust to running in this humidity. When I get home, my clothes are soaked. I’m not saying they are wet around the neck and around the edges. I mean my clothes are soaked. They are wetter than when I pull them out of the washing machine. The spin cycle at least gets some of the water out. The other day I ran, and I had put sunscreen on my face. The sweat caused the sunscreen to get into my eyes, and I couldn’t see for the better part of the run. They were stinging and painfully red. I cursed the whole way. WTF am I doing here? I could be running in 75 degree weather on Lake Michigan with the breeze blowing in my face.

So, I do the best I can. I try to do most things early in the morning. I have a rice bag that I throw in the freezer and put it on the back of my neck to cool down. I take cold or lukewarm showers to help slow the sweat so that I can get dressed in the mornings. If I run in the mornings and start sweating heavily, I’m going to be sweating for awhile. A cold shower usually helps, but it’s not uncommon for me to be soaking wet while I’m getting dressed for work. Did I say I hated this hot weather?

Steamy Love Scene From Body Heat (not for children)

I’ve been running on the lakes by LSU in the early morning. I have to run there because my dog has to have a place to swim to cool off. This morning I ran six miles. She went in swimming about 4 times to keep cool. Dogs don’t sweat. I can’t run anywhere else with her until it gets cooler. She gets too overheated. I ran the levee last Sunday, and I really shouldn’t have. She got really hot. There were a couple of pools that we encountered, and she jumped in, but it was really too hot. I’m going to have to save that for the fall. Even kayaking is too hot unless we’re on a shaded river. Sitting in the sun is like sitting in a frying pan.

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Anyway, if I haven’t said it before, I can’t stand this heat. I’m praying that it will cool down soon … at least a little … please. I’m going to go take a shower and then I’m doing a little cooling yoga to try to cool down my overheated temperament. Shoulderstand should do the trick. I’ve got a big piece of watermelon in the refrigerator, too. I’m going to think cool thoughts, and, hell, maybe I’ll just turn down the AC to simulate Memphis’ 55 degree temperature. It’s my electricity bill. If I want it cold in here, I can make it cold. And, Jerry and Lisa, I’ll be chatting with you in January. The tables will turn. I’m looking forward to about 8 months of temperate climate after about mid-October. Please …. please … please …. cool down soon.

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