Sitting in pain is like having my limbs torn apart in slow motion. I bleed… I am blinded by fear … I recoil and fight and scream. I cry out and want to stop it but there is no stopping a . It is crushing … this loneliness … this internal torture …. the burning tears of a little girl consumed by darkness. I must go deeper and deeper until I accept the ache inside. I must embrace it in order to survive it. Fighting it will kill me… it will kill her. It is relentless…. chasing my heart …. reminding me of my failures…. taunting me with my worthlessness … snuffing out the light of my spirit.
Mary Oliver’s words describe the pain and the giver …. Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
I have learned to live with it… this darkness …. this aching hole. I’ve tried to fill it up … light it up … make it go away … but it never does. It sits there waiting like a predator. And when the trigger is tripped, the brutal blow of darkness snuffs out my soul. My little girl inside doesn’t understand this meanness.. this lack of love … this fear that she will never be truly loved. Fear opposes love … snuffing out loves’ light. Why … oh why … was I ever born? She cries softly ….. Why?????? “Feel it, darlin’ … the only way out is through.” I tell her there’s a gift on the other side, but I know she can’t see that … or even hope for that … now. Trust me, baby girl … this is a woman’s job to get through this. I love you, my little girl…. sit here in my embrace and feel… the world will not always be dark …. it’s just a box of darkness …. it’s not your whole lifetime. Trust me on this, baby. We’ve been here before … not so long ago.