I’m up at 3 this morning. It wasn’t the first time I woke up either. It’s been like this all week. I’ve been in an emotional funk due to a lot of things. I hate these times. I hate it when things are unsettled. I crave normalcy. I want routine. Anxiety wants my world to make sense, relationships to be sweet and comfortable and the future to be bright. But it’s not always like that. Sometimes there is drama. And, I’m grateful that it’s just sometimes now. Life used to be drama …. all the time.
When I have periods of high anxiety, they are always coupled with or followed by depression. That’s just the way my body reacts. I use lavender to help me cope. That sweet-smelling flower infused into an essential oil has become my tonic to help me let go. I turned over two bottles of it this morning, but they were both empty. I felt like the alcoholic who is desperately searching for that drop in a bottle that somehow she missed. Damn… no relief. So, I decided to get up and drink my tea and get the day started. I need to workout. The funk I’ve been in since Tuesday has diverted my energy as fuel for my anxiety, so I haven’t been to the gym at all. It’s at times like these that I have no problems staying away from coffee. It is poison, and I know it. So, I have my chai tea at 3:15 in the morning and will head to the gym to try to take the edge off when they open at 4:30 AM.
I went to a healing service yesterday at a local church. I love those. They generally anoint attendants with oil and serve communion. They are gentle services that are generally small. God did meet me there, and I felt comforted and at peace for an hour or so.
I started to get irritated when I looked at the clock this morning and it was so early, and I was wide awake. But, I just told myself that this is normal when I’m in a period of high anxiety like this. It will pass. I know it will. The only way out is through. It’s in times like this that I have to turn up the self care. I talked to Jessica the other night, and I need to really put up the walls right now so that I only interact with those people who really care for me and let me be myself. My people-pleasing stuff is something I have to totally ratchet down because it causes me more anxiety than anything else. My perfectionism is another one I have to really watch. I want to be perfect, and there are people who want me to do it perfectly, and they trigger my anxiety. Walls … walls … walls… but just for now. In normal times, I can handle it. But this isn’t a normal time. This is a time for embracing and resting in God’s love, the love of those select friends that treasure me and for lavender…. blessed lavender.
My friend Michael texted me yesterday with some trivia about the United States. What is the Southernmost state …. the northernmost …. the westernmost … and the easternmost? There was a surprise in the end, and it made me laugh. I love him. He knows when to push and when to just be a buddy who texts me trivia. How did I get so lucky to have the friends I have in my life? There were tons of years when I didn’t have that. They were available, but I didn’t know how to cultivate those friendships and tap into their sweetness. I LOVE my relationships. We are really there for each other… or at least they are there for me. They tell me I’m there for them. I hope so. Jess called me during a total meltdown the other night, and she is such a good listener. She lets me go there … down into the sadness and pain … and helps me to just move through it. My new friend Jo Ann texts me to make me laugh and just let me know she is there. An old friend Autumn sent me a birthday card late, and it couldn’t have had better timing. Her words …. appreciating who I am and what I bring to her life … were like salve on an open wound. The late timing was not late at all. It was perfection. How comforting it is to be in the embrace of friends … they are like the purplest lavender in the world. I have private FB rooms set up with my closest friends, and we chat on and off throughout the day. When things are going well, we don’t talk much except to share a joke or a quote or two, but when sadness comes, we talk frequently. I cringe when people say they hate Facebook. It can be the most comforting place in the world if you know how to use it.
One day at a time … don’t force solutions … feel my feelings… stay away from coffee … exercise … avoid sugar … inhale lavender … be grateful for the loving people in my life and stay connected with them … connect with my Higher Power … go to meetings … this too shall pass. It’s all lavender …..