Comparing my Insides to Your Outsides: Rejection


So, I just wrote an entire blog on dating and rejection, and I accidentally hit two keys. The first key highlighted the entire blog, and then I hit the letter ‘k’. So, the entire blog was deleted and replaced with one letter – k. I was so pissed that I shut down my computer, but I don’t think I’m going to let the Universe reject my blog like that. I’ve had enough rejection for one day.

A friend of mine wrote about spending a painful day yesterday comparing herself to others. That’s what I do when I’m rejected. I get caught up in calculating why am I not good enough for you … or why is somebody else better than me. I start mentally comparing, and, obviously, I always come up short because I already got rejected. It puts the rejector (I’ll call him the perpetrator) in the place of somehow being superior to me in the first place. My friend Nancy told me that when she gets rejected, she makes up a story that the perpetrator is going back to a miserable life and miserable future without her. She imagines him sorry that he left her and depressed about his whole future. I tried that once, and it really worked. After all, I don’t really know what’s going on when I’m rejected, so why not just make up what feels better to me. It’s my rejection. And, if I want to make you miserable …. then …. dammit … you are miserable.

We spend our lives comparing our insides to somebody else’s outsides. Not everybody puts their life out there with all of its ups and downs and frustrations and failures. It is all edited for public viewing. I see the ‘edited’ version of you, but I know exactly what’s going on inside of me. I know my flaws. I know my shortcomings. I know how I feel inside when I’m triggered. I know how crazy I am when I’m hurt or frightened and what goes on behind closed doors at my house. I don’t know any of that about you, and, if the truth is told, you don’t know that about me, either. So, if you rejected me, it’s not about that. I put more out there than most people, but I assure you, I don’t put my whole self up for public viewing. It’s an edited persona. So, don’t compare yourself to me, either. You’ll come up short, and that’s not fair to either one of us.

So, what is rejection? When I’m in a good place, I see rejection as the result of a choice. Very little of it has to do with me. I used to hate it when somebody I dated would ask for feedback during a breakup. It’s totally useless. And I don’t want your feedback either. Because what you don’t like someone else will love. I’ve been told that I’m needy. I’ve been told that I’m too independent. I’ve been told that I’m classy ….. and stuck-up. That’s why I tell guys when I don’t want to date them that ‘I don’t think we’re a match.’ My decision not to date them has nothing to do with them. It has more to do with what I want and my perceptions. After all, I don’t really know them. I just have a perception of who they are. Now, it’s a lot harder to do this when I’ve been in a relationship with somebody. In my past experience, I’ve always taken the blame for the problems in the relationship mainly because they thought they didn’t need to change anything, and I was codependent as hell. I mistakenly do more than my share of the work, and I take every complaint and critique to heart. So, when the relationship finally ends, I feel like I somehow failed to meet the expectations of my partner. Never mind that they didn’t really meet mine either. It’s hard to break that habit. But, I want to break the habit. I …. AM … STILL …. NOT …. THERE … YET!!! GRRRRRRRRR…..

I know this about myself. I’m a lot of things. I have a lot of great qualities and skills.  I also have some areas where I need improvement. I will DIE with areas that need improvement…. and so will you. Unfortunately, I won’t see most of your flaws unless I get really close to you. So, I’ll believe until I die that I have more flaws than you do. The other night my Aunt and cousin looked at me and remarked that I had no gray hair. ‘It’s called hair dye,’ I answered. Oh yeah. Know why I wear skirts most of the time? They hide the cellulite on my thighs and compliment my hourglass shape. You won’t see my gray hair or those thighs on Facebook unless somebody posts them without my knowledge, and more than likely I’ll untag myself before you see it. Read my resume. You’ll be amazed at my capabilities and skills. Talk to me after a hard day at work, and you might wonder how I ever keep a job. It’s all presentation, baby. But, when you reject me, I know what’s under that presentation, and I’m sure that you have caught a glimpse of it, too.

I’ve experienced a lot of rejection lately in a lot of areas in my life. It makes it really hard to get back to myself. I don’t naturally have high self-esteem. It’s a lot of work to get myself in the right place to deal with rejection. I’ve not been on the dating sites in awhile because I can’t handle it right now. I’m trying to be around people that support me and make me feel good about myself. In other words, I like to be around people who admit their flaws and show up in their real selves for me to see. And, I’m providing support to a few others who are in a hard place right now… ironically because they’ve been rejected, too. I’ll tell them the same things I need to hear. You are fabulous. They don’t deserve you. It’s their loss. Let them go back to their lousy, miserable lives. It’s not … I repeat … NOT about you … nor is it about me.



8 Comments on “Comparing my Insides to Your Outsides: Rejection

  1. Great blog . I tell my boys the same thing about gossip .you know how you will here something about someone that got caught doing something wrong and some people just seem to feed on it . We’ll I am here to tell you the only difference In the person that got caught and everybody else including us is his or her closet door got are so right everybody has a closet

    • Yes, very true! I think my fear of rejections gets in the way of my romantic relationships. I have to be gentle with myself and realize that my past relationship was not very kind to me so there is some basis for my fear. Maybe one day I’ll work through it.

  2. I wonder if all that we go through to find what it is we’re looking for, maybe all that time is just for us to see, to learn, to broaden our reach, to practice being ourselves until the right thing comes along. It seems there are major events in my life that just happened, I didn’t go after it. It came to me. I had to be out there, I had to have learned what I had learned to that point to recognize it. All the things you’re doing and all the people you meet are just honing you into who you are. Lots of mistakes are made, or are they mistakes? Maybe that was the purpose of the exercise. See, this or that didn’t work, now you know. Usually after what we perceive as a mistake there is a growth spurt, or at least more definition about ourselves. At the very least questions are defined. Where you see doubt and fear, in you I see bold and fearless.

    • Boy, did this resonate with me! That is exactly what I needed to hear. And I do believe it is all here got us to learn from. It’s just so hard to find comfort in that while I’m in the midst of it. Perhaps this whole job thing is teaching me to be more grateful for good jobs when they come along. Or maybe I need to focus less on work and more on other things. Thanks, Nancy.

  3. First n foremost, you are you! God made you and he loves you everyday unconditionally just as he has given you your critters ( Ellie Mae Clampet). You are as beautiful as A sunset over the Baton Rouges Mississippi River. Your as sharp as a razor and as bright as a diamond. Your quick witted ness is faster than Husein Bolt ( Olympic 100 meter champ). And you are truly loved by more people than you know.
    Rejection is our fear of why someone or thing doesn’t last as long as we wanted it to. Truth of the matter is you would have probably found out sooner or later that it wasn’t going to work out because they wee not going to be emotionally available with you. You are a highly intelligent person. ( look sweetie. Not everyone is as bright as you n I. Lol ). It’s going to take a special person to fill that position as soul mate for life. Your so active n funny n intelligent n sharp that not every man can take all that you have to offer. Your opinionated ( darn do we know that ) n like what you like. We all have to give n take or receive. I promise just enjoy life and God or your higher power will drop that special person right in your lap. I promise. Sorry to blog so long. But I love you n thanks for being a part of my life every day Billy

    • Aww Billy. You are sweet to say that to me. I actually don’t believe that everybody gets a soulmate. I know too many people who do life single, and I don’t think God dissed them because they didn’t do as they were supposed to. I’m open to it … or not. I’m actually being rejected more on the job than I am in dating as I’m not really dating right now. That’s more what this rant is about. But, thanks for stopping by and giving your two cents worth. It means a lot.

  4. Man, alive! You made a difference in my life today. Thank you for your beautiful words; I feel you wrote directly to me.

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