It’s Monday. I’m cranky. A huge crash of thunder just threatened to rain on my table outside Starbucks. I would be thankful if it rained just a bit so I can get out and do my speedwork. Last week my training went pretty well. I missed two of the 6 workouts – one run and a lower body strength training workout – but I feel like it was a success because I extended my long run successfully and completed two upper body workouts in spite of the short week with the holiday. I had a six day week because I’m trying to get my long runs back to Saturday. I like getting them over early in the weekend so I can relax a little.
The weird thing about the thunder is it’s really loud and seems close but the sky looks really sunny and nice in front of me. The thunderstorm is over my shoulder. The breeze is phenomenal. I sort of feel like that today. It appears that things are looking pretty good, but I’ve got a lot of little crap going on inside of me that’s really cranking me up. All of it … every single piece of it.. is about rejection… from a lot of fronts. I don’t want to get into the details because it doesn’t matter … and a huge crash of thunder and lightning just scared me to death, and this is what I see:
I’ve spent a fair amount of time the last few days in tears. Oddly enough I don’t feel depressed. I feel sad … like really sad on a situational basis. I feel like a misfit here. I’ve had a Match.com profile out there for months, and I get NO attention whatsoever. I feel the drizzle falling on me, and I’m still seeing sunshine. In the last week or so, I’ve decided to get more proactive and make some contacts. I contacted a guy in Texas and complimented him on how hot he looked. He responded back and said he thought my friend Lisa was cute. Are men stupid? So much for being proactive. I edited my profile, added some new pics and even changed my username. I’m consistently getting views but absolutely not one person is interested in saying hi. I can’t imagine I’m that ugly or unattractive. I even tried to put very little in my profile … sometimes less is more… AND I took out the ‘never’ on the question of how much I drink. I thought that might be an issue down here. Whatever? I’m sick of dating sites.
My new profile photos... and I’m removing the one of me and Lisa. I don’t need competition on my own profile.
Now, it’s pouring, and I’ve had to come into the air conditioning where it’s freezing. I got an iced beverage so I could sit outside. Figures … I got to speak with my friend Nancy today who is FINALLY in America in texting and phoning distance. I am so looking forward to having a new friend to commiserate with who is single and trying to re-invent her life. It was definitely a bright spot in my day to hear about the stuff she’s having to do and to tell her how I feel about the goofy men that surround me … or that don’t surround me as the case may be. I feel like a fish out of water right now. I’m pretty connected with some girlfriends who have my back and who totally get me, but work and the opposite sex are getting me down. I feel like I was lied to when people told me to get my life together and get healthy, and I would attract healthy men. Where are they? It feels like a cruel joke that I did all that work and am finally comfortable in my own skin, and there is no one even remotely interested in me. My bed has become the Sahara desert with no chance of climate change.
So now it’s pouring down rain, and my run outside looks like it’s in jeopardy. Still, all I see out the Starbucks glass door is pouring rain against a cloudless blue sky. It’s bizarre. Maybe there’s a message in there for me. Could it mean that the rain storm is just a passing thing even though it’s loud and nasty? Could it be a respite for me to take a break and relax before I go to run? I am feeling a little better already and not as cranky. Writing does help with that.
I had coffee with a friend last night who is in a troubled marriage. I’ve been sort of sponsoring her and offering suggestions in the codependency recovery sense. Things were much better yesterday. She seemed more grounded yesterday. At one point in the conversation, she asked when she should say something and set a boundary and when to let it go. “It’s hard to say,” I said. “But as with everything, it’s ALWAYS about connection.” She thought that was really profound and asked if I made that up. “Yeah,” I laughed. “I think I did.” She wanted to share it on her Twitter feed. I felt needed. I felt a little bit wise. I felt like I actually meant something to somebody. When we were leaving, I told her that I was glad that she was doing better, and that she and her husband were doing better. It’s been about 7 months that it was going downhill, and this was the first upturn in events. “You know,” she said, “All of the changes I’ve made that have helped me have been because of my conversations with you and suggestions you’ve made. I just want you to know that.” I just now remembered that she said that, and now I’m crying again … in Starbucks .. and I don’t even care. The rain has stopped, and I’m going for a run.
And if some lousy guy can’t find anything to like about me, then it’s his loss. I have a lot to offer somebody. If it’s only women that recognize it, then so be it. I’ll make a difference in some man’s life even if it’s only helping to make his wife happier. Surely that’s important.