I’m not looking forward to today. The boundary I set last week is laying there like a time bomb that could either fizzle to nothing flat or blow up in my face. After a weekend of being supported, I’m in a pretty good place, but if something blows up in my face, I’m going to have to rise to the occasion. My mantra for today will be Rise Up. I can remember my surfing experience and having to pop up to ride the big waves in Costa Rica. I know how to step into that power and how to endure the ‘washing machine’ when it’s over. It’s why I took that trip … to physically get a metaphor for those times when I have to go with the flow but stand in my own power.
This morning I mentioned to God that I was needing guidance on how to deal with whatever I need to deal with today. In my Medicine Cards, I pulled the Wild Boar. I have friends who hunt wild hogs, and I know that wild hogs are brutal, bloody fighters who sometimes take the lives of the dogs that are sent to fight them. It was easy for me to think that this card was calling me to fight. Apparently, this card is about fighting. It’s about fighting the most deadly brutal beast I encounter on a daily basis – my own fears. I’ve been in this gripping fear that I’m in before. It is the fear that kept me in an abusive marriage much longer than I should have stayed. It is the fear that tells me I will lose my security – maybe eventually my life – if I stand up for myself and set boundaries. It is the paralyzing fear that keeps me stuck, stokes my anxiety and begins to make me ill. I realized it last week when I had that anxiety attack. My health was starting to suffer.
In the work I’ve done in the past, I know that this fear of speaking up comes from the little girl inside me who is afraid to stand up to angry, vengeful people. She is terrified – as most little girls are – of being alone or on her own. Because kids, you see, can die if they are left alone. It is the core fear that I have of disappointing people, particularly authority figures. It is, in my mind, exactly the kind of fear that would resemble a wild boar in nature. What I’ve learned that works is to assure her that I will take care of her. I know, in my adult mind, that confrontation – of an internal or external nature – is a job for adults. They are not matters for children. The fight is mine and mine alone. She can take her teddy bear and take a nap.
I pulled the card in the contrary which warns that I may have denied something for so long that it’s about to blow up in my face. It also warns that I may have to step into integrity and take ownership of my part in the situation. And, certainly, I do have a part. When I let something go on too long, I may have survived with passive-aggressive coping behavior or set up a pattern of interaction that is very difficult to correct. I have to be cognizant that part of this relationship issue is my own, and I have to face up to that, too.
I’m getting the oil changed in my car and the tires rotated. It’s a simple way of taking care of myself that sends a message that my safety is important … to me. The first thing they did is pull the old cabin air filter trick. I was ready for it. Any trick in heels is worth a shot with this one. I said no, I’d change that myself but said yes to the wiper blades because I need them. I can say no, I don’t want that. It’s a practice. I wonder if he sensed the wild boar in the room before he left. I’m not sure. But, I know I did. And that’s really all that matters.