This morning I wasn’t able to join Jessica for my Live Streaming Fitness Body Sculpt class. I texted her as usual to let her know I’d be on the other end. No response. No problem. She was probably rushing around trying to get to work because I know she rolls out of bed right before she has to leave. I waited in my workout area but no live class aired. I just kept looking at a black screen. Then I got worried. Was there a storm in Tulsa last night? What if she overslept? She’s been having problems with her basement. What if she’s down there in the dark scooping out water that came in last night when the tornado ripped the roof off her house? OH NO!!! Poor Miley is probably running loose terrified.
Me: Are you ok?
Me: worry … worry ….worry … see ‘red’ because my workout got screwed up. I finally gave up and texted her that I was taking a shower.
She texted me back when I was in the shower that a teen camp had preempted the programming for this week. So, she was okay. It didn’t really matter. After I had initially planned to workout, I walked Ashok and somewhere along the line I started getting depressed. I was just as happy to skip the workout. I had gotten depressed last night for a bit. I did a yoga nidra, and I shifted out of it almost immediately. Here was the darkness again. Maybe I needed to cry. I’ve been grieving the loss of a relationship that really never was. Sometimes the loss of a dream hurts as bad as the loss of something real. So, I sat down and let myself sob – big, heaving watery sobs that carried with them any remnants of hope that I had of changing that person. After about 10 minutes, I got up and did yoga nidra and headed off to the office. I felt great. The sadness had passed.
The fact remains that I hadn’t worked out, so I had to do it when I got home. I was tired at the end of the day. I’ve been incredibly busy which is energizing at work, but I leave a little drained. I fixed some iced green tea, and it gave me the lift I needed. I wanted to do a yoga class. I’ve been needing yoga badly, but I’ve been resisting practicing. But, I also wanted to do something for body sculpting because I didn’t want to make it up later. I’m trying to do strength-training twice a week, run 3 days a week and walk an hour on those days that I don’t do either of those. So, I decided I would compromise. I thought I’d try a Yoga with Weights class from Yoga Download.
Ken was the teacher, and I really liked the class. I was afraid it might be a little dangerous using weights while I was stretched out in yoga poses, but Ken gave great cues and was very safe leading the practice. It was a good workout, and I did feel like I had practiced yoga to some degree. But, as I finished up, I realized that I really didn’t get the best of either type of workout. I didn’t feel all calm and centered like I do after yoga nor did I feel noodled out like I do after weight training. I felt a little disappointed, but then I remembered that I wanted a little of both and that’s exactly what I got. Sometimes the goal needs to be balance.
Last week, I found this article on “25 Struggles Only ENFPs Will Understand.” I laughed when I read it because it fits me perfectly. Since my ENFP self craves intimate conversation, and I’m a total extrovert, I have issues at social events. I want to go to parties to be around a lot of people, but I hate small talk. I find myself at parties feeling miserable because everybody is drinking and talking about BS that doesn’t matter in the scheme of things. I’ll ask a deep question trying to get involved in a conversation, and some drunken fool will say, “I don’t knowwww…!!!!” with a slur in their voice. I feel like rolling my eyes at the inaneness of the whole event. Because I can’t get what I want out of a party, I just often don’t go. And that’s not good either.
This summer I’ve been struggling with a similar issue around vacation. I’m a total extrovert, so I like to be around people, but I HAVE to have alone time to stay centered or I can get pretty loopy. Earlier this year, I was trying to decide where I’d like to go camping in North Carolina. I looked up Davidson River campground. It looked really lovely. It’s close to Brevard NC, so I looked up things to do in Brevard. There was a sort of school that held classes like ‘hiking and yoga.’ That would be awesome! I could be alone camping and doing what I wanted but take a class and meet some people in town for other activities. I called the Pisgah Field School to see about their classes and to ask about the campground. The Education Director said the Davidson River Campground is really nice but really crowded during the summer. She gave me a couple of other suggestions for campgrounds close by. I looked at all of them and finally decided that I’d love to go to the North Mills River Campground. It’s a little longer drive to Brevard, but it’s a quieter place where I can get my peace and quiet and alone time.
I ended up making no decision at all because I couldn’t decide how to find a balance between being alone in the woods and being around enough people. I finally said, “Screw it, I’ll think about this another day” and put it to rest. It really is hard for me to strike the balance I need in order to feel sane. I’ve been on trips with groups of people where I knew I’d made a mistake. I’d have to hang back on my own in order to keep my mental equilibrium. I wonder sometimes why I’m designed this way. Couldn’t I just be one way or the other? It would make life simpler.
So, now I’m considering learning to backpack, but I really don’t want to go on one of those organized group things because I may hate all of the interaction, but I definitely don’t want to go alone on my first time out. These ENFP decisions drive me crazy! Maybe I need to find a balance in a different way. Perhaps I can go on one of the group trips for a short time and then spend several days alone camping afterwards. That just might be the ticket. Or, I could use today’s experience and realize that I may just have to take a bit of both and be happy with compromise.
How would you balance this? Or is it only ENFPs that have this problem?