I haven’t pinpointed the root of my feelings, but I woke up really sad this morning. It’s the kind of sadness where my whole body feels like it can’t breathe. I want to run back under the covers and close the blinds and pretend that tomorrow will never come. Oh, hell, I hope today doesn’t even happen, but as my clock ticks away, I see that 8:30 AM keeps getting closer and closer. I will – at some point soon – have to drag myself out of this house in an acceptable manner and show up at the office. But, right now, I have time to be in denial. I’ll take it.
I’m thinking of buying a condo here in Baton Rouge. My friend Alisa is going to show me some places this weekend. While a part of me is excited about finally committing to being here at least for the longer short-term, I’m afraid. There is the whole financial piece and the worry that it’s not the wisest thing to do right now. But, the bigger thing for me is whether I really want to stay in Baton Rouge. I REALLY miss the mountains. I hate having to drive 10 hours to get a dose. A part of me is wishing that I had the courage to just chuck it all and take a risk to go where I want to be, and a bigger part is too afraid to do something so risky. In a word, I feel trapped, confused, angry at myself, and just very, very sad.
I feel happy that I don’t live in a world anymore where I think that I have to DO something when I feel sad. I don’t need to make it go away. I don’t need to distract myself from it. I don’t need to force solutions. I actually think I was in this very place before I left Memphis, and I forced a solution. Now, I’m left with an even less desirable problem. But, I have to be gentle with myself and realize that, for whatever reason, I’m here, and this is my reality. To be honest, there are some very good things that have come from this move. And it certainly wasn’t as bad a decision as marrying my second husband. Things could be worse.
In my meditation this morning, I asked God to give me some wisdom to help me understand what I’m going through right now. I pulled ‘Standstill’ from my bag of runes. Isa is the name of this rune. It means “ice” or “standstill” or “withdrawal”. It tells me that nothing good is going to come of plans made during this time. It also tells me not to trust others. I need to take care of myself and just wait. A part of me hates the thought that I need to wait before anything happens. But, another part of me is happy because I’m frankly feeling tired and burnt out right now. Besides, I’m too busy watching my IRA plummet. That’s another area where I need to just wait.
In my journey of personal growth, I’ve learned to stop worrying about huge jumps and leaps and just do the next right thing. That … as opposed to finding a new job across the country, making all new friends and being happily ever after … feels doable this morning. I think I’ll just do that.