It’s December 1st. This morning I woke up and felt astonished at how fast this year has passed. It seems like last week when my birthday rolled around and we partied at Cafe Des Amis in Breaux Bridge. I started trying to piece together what last year’s December 1st offered me.
I could remember where I was last December with no problem. I was in a miserable place. At this time last year, I had secretly interviewed with Ole Miss and was a final candidate for a role on their Instructional Design team. I was so miserable about my position here that I was entertaining the thought of taking a pay cut that would leave me with about 1/2 of my current salary. It would be extreme, but I could see no way out of the issues in my office.
I was in the midst of the worst anxiety episode I have ever experienced. I was so anxious that I could not sleep. I was having panic attacks so bad that one day I called the paramedics because I thought I was having a heart attack. It was bad. I was a mess. I had little hope that things could turn around. And it all made my anxiety worse.
I didn’t get that job at Ole Miss, and I’m no longer anxious. I’m still in the same job but enough has changed that I feel pretty happy that I’m here. I have an almost entirely new cast of characters in my life. It just goes to show you that sometimes we don’t know what’s in our best interest. I could not imagine that I’d be in this place – emotionally, physically and professionally a year ago. I just knew that something had to change or I would not survive.
I downloaded TimeHop a few minutes ago. A year ago today I blogged about sugar and its effect on my anxiety. I was just starting to unravel the impact that sugar was having on my nervous system. I was playing with my intake to see if it was really connected. Much to my dismay, it appeared that sugar was not good for me. It would take me another 6 months to really kick that dependency, but I can tell you that a year ago today I was making a connection that I believe totally changed my life.
It appears that 2 years ago today, I was depressed but nesting with my kitties. It would have been my first holiday season here, and I remember it was awful. Three years ago, I ran the Memphis Half Marathon in my then hometown with my friend Jascia. I posted lots of pics from that race and apparently had a good time. Five years ago, I posted a bunch of pictures of me and my friend Lorna who would commit suicide 2 years and 3 days later after I returned to Memphis from a Thanksgiving trip to my brother’s house. So, three years ago today, I had no idea that one of my best friends was contemplating taking her own life. It’s amazing how much changes over time. The train moves on. I stayed on. Lorna got off. I miss her. But she’s on another train ride in another place.
I can’t imagine what the next year will bring. I give up trying to predict it. Maybe I’ll be in Baton Rouge. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll be in love. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll be hiking. Maybe I’ll have moved on to another hobby. There are so many things that could happen between now and then that the possibilities are endless. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
A friend of mine posted the below quote on Facebook today. I thought I needed to change my job and my place of residence last year, and those were the only two things that didn’t change. I was so desperate I thought I’d die. God laughs at our little plans. Whatever it is we think will “fix it” is usually never what “fixes it”. In fact, nothing is ever really broken. We are just uncomfortable riding the train. Let it roll and enjoy the ride. The scenery is forever changing anyway.