There is so much in my life right now that I am having difficulty accepting. I don’t want to get into the details because that’s part of the problem. I’m in the details at 2:30 AM in my bed, in the bathroom at work, while I’m walking my dog and when I’m trying to enjoy a nice view. The hamster wheel in my mind is furiously spinning with the huge problems that will befall me if what is happening today continues. And yet I know it’s just a hamster wheel. It’s not truly going anywhere, and my worry predicts nothing.
This morning’s reading in “The Language of Letting Go” is about practicing acceptance and gratitude whenever I feel out of sorts. There are times when I’m not ready to hear that message. But I hit a low the last two days. And I just can’t do it anymore. The hamster wheel is flying off it’s rails, and I don’t have the energy to put it back on. I’m tired of feeling sick and tired. So, when I read that this morning, it sunk in.
I am grateful for so many things. I was born with talent and intelligence and have been offered many opportunities to grow and change. Somehow I was born with the will to look inward and the desire to solve my internal problems which seems to be the difference between a life of mediocre striving and one of joy. I am grateful for that. I am even grateful for those experiences that have held me to the fire. Without them, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I still have much to work out, but I’m grateful that I’m breathing this morning with another chance of going at it.
Acceptance comes harder because I have this idiotic belief that if I want something to be different bad enough, it will change. I cry, “This is unacceptable!” In my twisted thoughts, I think the situation needs to change, and I’ll worry and work and worry and work trying to make it change. The reality is my mind needs to change. One of my favorite sayings is from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:
There are a few problems in my life that I cannot fix on my own right now. There is very little I can control. But I can shift my mind into gratitude and acceptance of where I am at this moment. Like every other moment, this, too, shall pass. Things will get better … or they’ll get worse. But the truth is they will never stay the same. And I’m very grateful about that. Now I just need to work on the acceptance. Grrrr…..