I’ve started a meditation practice, and I’ve been pretty consistent over the last six weeks. It is really helping me to tame the sharp edge of my anxiety. It helps me sleep. It allows me to read my own inner compass instead of reacting to the expectations and judgments of others.
I’m using the Calm app (calm.com), and every day they have a focused 10-minute meditation. This morning it was about individuality. So much of my life has been spent walking the line of accepting my unique life choices or beating myself up for not being “normal”. Acceptance wins out about 70% of the time, but the 30% spent in fear with my inner critic’s judgment is so uncomfortable. “Hush” I scream, wondering if somehow I missed the memo on what is the “right” way to live and knowing that I cannot live someone else’s dreams on any level.
In meditation, I strengthen the muscle of acceptance of myself, and I quietly hear the inner calling of my soul. The more I listen and experience who I really am inside, the easier it is to accept that I am on the right path. The easier it is to tell that inner critic to go silent. I’m not sure who he thinks he is anyway. He doesn’t even have a body.
Life is so fleeting. Yesterday my former boss at LCTCS had a heart attack while he was driving and hit a tree. He’s a couple of years younger than me. He’s kind and wise and was so instrumental in helping me to find a good role and purpose in my last few months there. He has a beautiful family. He has had a great career and has played many roles of great significance in supporting Louisiana’s economy. Louisiana needs him. In my opinion, he’s not done yet.
I am praying for his healing. At the same time, when these things happen, my own mortality flashes before me like a neon sign reading “Do Not Wait. We Are Not Promised Tomorrow.” I wonder on what day my chances to make my mark on the world will be over. The urgency to ‘wake up and roar’ is bearing down on me this morning. I pray for the fierceness to heed that call.
“If you are acting like a sheep, do not blame the shepherd. Wake up and roar….”