Randomness: Feelings

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When I was going through my second divorce and all of the grief of my life was cascading over me in a relentless torrent of pain, it was all I could do to get through the day at work without falling apart. When I think of hard things, I think of those days. Because I only knew how to repress my feelings, put on a positive face and push through my life, I had let years and years of grief and pain build up inside me.

With the loss of that dream of being happily married, I felt like my world had come unhinged. What in the world was wrong with me that I couldn’t do the simplest of things as to keep a partner? How would I function being single in a world where couplehood is golden? What would my lonely-ass life look like as a single gal? Did God hate me so much that he created me to be an unloveable mess of a person? Was that my journey on this earth? The grief… the fear … the loss of everything I wanted … the rubble of my dreams … the pain of my inadequacy … it was all ….. too …. much.

I broke. The dam that was holding back the losses of my life cracked wide open. The cascade of hurts and fears and insecurities of a lifetime literally knocked me off my feet. Sometimes I’d hold it together at work. Some days I wouldn’t. My life was work, 12-step meetings and weekly sessions with my therapist. I’d trudge up the stairs to my apartment and start crying before I hit the top of the stairs. Locking the door behind me, I’d lay on the floor or on my bed and cry. I thought the crying would NEVER end.

Oddly enough, I look back at that time as one of the best in my life. I was forced to feel. Humans are meant to feel. We are not meant to cram feelings behind a dam of expectations. The pain was so scary because I thought it would never end, but I had people around me that told me to trust the process of grieving. Everything else I had ever believed turned out to be a lie, so I believed them.

So, today, whatever you are going through, know that you are on the path. Trudge that walk you need to trudge. Trust the process. And if all you do today is hold it together, know that I am proud of you. This walk … your unique trudge … is your walk of greatness. Real joy is somewhere on the other side. But for today, enjoy being a feeling, breathing, awesome child of God. Your feelings will lead you out.

 

6 thoughts on “Randomness: Feelings

  1. Sorry. I was responding to an email from my son about Mike Kramer, but my iPad was still on your blog, which I didn’t realize. Your blog was just what I needed this morning, though. Spot on. Thanks.

    Charles F. (“Chip”) Behler

    >

  2. Sharon you are so right. It took me about 5 years of grieving and crying. after the divorce to feel whole and to feel comfortable just being me. Thanks for this today my friend!

  3. This blog reminded me of when I was living in Brussels and I asked my husband to leave and go back to the U.S. I was working 12 hour days and longer, trying to hit the mark on work goals that I couldn’t get my bosses to clarify. Meanwhile, he was creating havoc at home while he was supposed to be taking care of household responsibilities and our kids, then 10 and 12. I didn’t feel comfortable telling my co-workers about my situation and did my best to juggle work and home life. Every day was a challenge and I developed major problems with insomnia that plagued me for years afterward. Oddly enough, though, as you say, Sharon, I think back on those days with fondness. The kids and I became much closer and had some wonderful experiences, despite the pain. Thanks for sharing.

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