But I wasn’t feeling it. I did not eat well yesterday, and my energy was low. I was filled with anxiety. I have some thoughts on why, but I don’t want to give them any more power than they already have. My RunKeeper app asked me if I wanted to accept a 5K challenge for Thanksgiving, and I said yes. But when I tried to click the “Go Running” button to start the clock, it took me to some other page. Since I didn’t have glasses on, I couldn’t read it, so I wasn’t able to use the app. I was frustrated because I wanted to see my time. I quickly gave that up and just started running.
Then the negative self-talk started. My anxiety started rising, and my energy started going downhill pretty quickly. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. I could tell what was going on, and rather than fight it and get more irritated, I decided to walk when I wanted and just enjoy the run. I ended up walking a good bit but still ended up with a good time at the end. And then I was mad at myself because I could have gotten a better time if I hadn’t walked.
When I was walking out of the gym after the race, a big leaf on the wall caught my attention that said “low self-esteem”. As soon as I saw it, I realized that I was caught in a fight with my arch-nemesis gremlin “low self-esteem”. Calling it what it was helped to take some of the sting out the insults going on in my head. A sign surrounded by leaves said What are you leaving behind?
When I think of the things that have impacted my life, the most impactful and destructive one has been low self-esteem. It has affected my ability to speak up for myself, to go after jobs that I really want, to set goals that might make my life a lot better and to choose partners that would be helpful rather than harmful. In so many ways, this gremlin has made my life less than what it could be. Its incessant badgering that I’m too big for my britches or a loser or not good enough or not lovable keeps me from attempting things that would help me be happy with myself. I want to drop that gremlin on the side of the road and leave him behind.
I looked up the word gremlin, and initially I ran across the Gremlins movie. They are very sensitive to light, they reproduce when they get wet, and if they eat after midnight, they will change into a monster. And they are so, so clever….
Hmmm… that sounds like my gremlin of low self-esteem. I’d better stop feeding him in the middle of the night, and I’m going to expose him to the light. I’ll name him Gremlin so next time I can call him who he is and just leave him behind.
What gremlin do you want to leave behind?