I’ve had writer’s block for awhile now. I’ve been really working with it for over a year, and the magic seems to have evaporated. My head used to be full of stories, and my day would be scattered with seemingly magical moments where topics would arise out of nowhere. Gleefully, I’d grab it, run with it and gratefully hit ‘send’. Now, the connections don’t percolate, all the topics seem trivial, and I have no creative energy to write. Where has the magic gone?
2017 was a rough year filled with rejection. 2018 started with a layoff and a huge learning curve with the project management job. While I love learning new things, it takes all of my energy and focus to get through it. And, while I’m in it, my shortcomings and lack of knowledge impact my self-confidence. Now, I’m in yet another new job while I’m trying to build a life in a small town in Michigan. And in the background, my country is burning down, blowing up and sinking – all at once.
Given that list of adjustments, perhaps this is one of those times when creativity ebbs. It’s frustrating because writing really made me happy. It made me happy to get comments from readers and hear stories about their adventures. Everybody is so mad and worn down right now. I guess these are the fruits of fear.
Chaos, anger, fear, constant drama, greed and corruption are fruits of an unhealthy system. Our country is one big dysfunctional family right now. I find myself adapting to dysfunctional situations and relationships because I feel stuck with them. And in every dysfunctional system I’ve been stuck in, the fruit is rotten. No matter how much my mind wants to normalize it, it’s not a healthy system.
While I have had a rough year or so in transition, I’ve been breaking out of some toxic systems. Yesterday at work I was thinking about how different I feel in my current role. I feel safe. Yes, it’s busy and sometimes chaotic, but I feel safe to be myself. I am empowered to take risks and am supported even if I fail. With safety, I feel confident enough to encourage my team to take risks and be creative. I am routinely laughing and hugging my coworkers. The fruits of this workplace are sweet. At work, I feel highly creative. It’s an imperfect but healthy system.
Perhaps I don’t feel safe enough in my writing to be creative now. I need to be gentle with myself until I do. I will be patient and fertilize with a little love, faithfulness, gentleness, joy, peace and self-control. I think I like those apples.
Is there anything or anyone in your life bearing rotten fruit? Look around you. Where do you see the fruit of the Spirit? What systems are healthy? Unhealthy?