The next house I buy will have a fireplace. I’ve been without one for almost 20 years. I’d even be happy with a non-working one that I can fill with candles and pretend it’s a fire. I just want that warmth of light and heat on cold winter days and emotionally chilly nights. I’m enjoying the one in the lobby of the hotel as I write this. Sipping a cappuccino in front of a fire with my dog comforts me and makes me happy.
When Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day came out in 1993 I remember thinking how interesting it might be to run the same day over and over again until I learn all the lessons and finally get it right. While it was funny and felt like torture to his character I thought there must be a silver lining to that experience. What a gift it would be to stop the next day from coming and just stop for a damn minute.
My “retirement” has been such a gift to me this year. While those back at the office are trying to get through the colossal amount of work left behind by those of us who left, I’ve been ground hogging it on my own. I peek my nose out every now and again, but I just go back inside because there’s really nothing new pushing me into the future. If I get tired I take a nap. If I’m hungry, I cook. If I’m stir crazy, I take a little trip. If I’m lonely, I call a friend. It’s been a luxurious simplification of my life.
My future is unknown. I know I’ll go back to work one day. But I don’t yet know what to worry about in that new job. I don’t know what co-worker is driving me crazy enough to disrupt my sleep. I don’t even have to worry about whether I’m gaining weight and have to buy new clothes. I have nothing planned beyond today and could very easily just decide to stay another night in Chicago if I want to. In fact, I can do whatever I want until my money runs out. Nobody cares where I am or what I’m doing. My focus is singularly on my immediate needs and trying to stay sane in this odd suspended state of being.
I’ve had times in my life where I’ve made enormous changes. When I got divorced in 2008, my life changed completely. But it was done in the midst of working 8 hours a day with the help of a counselor and numerous support groups. It was a push, and it was really hard. The changes I’m making in my life this time are just as profound but it’s happening so gently.
The ability to stay in one place and just deal has taught me how to take care of myself in the most fundamental of ways. I’ve learned to listen to what I need to be happy and comfortable instead of what I need to do to succeed. I’ve been participating in a weekly Soul Care group my coach offers, and I’ve realized what a gift it is to be supported regularly by the same group of women. We don’t DO a lot but what we do is very connecting and supportive. Each week I’m gently pushed to care for myself and listen to my own needs in a way I never could when there was so much noise. We listen to songs, dance, journal and share. All of us are experiencing different things right now, but fundamentally we are all the same. We all need rest, kindness, empathy and love.
As I come out of this Groundhog Day experience, I want to focus on these foundational needs as the world gets louder. I’ve learned I need comfort in my day to be happy. It’s made me rethink my living room furniture, my lack of a fireplace, and my choice of careers. I don’t have to be comfortable all day long but at some point I need to be able to breathe. I need to relax. I need sleep. I need to be able to let go of the future and settle into what is. I’ll keep the Soul Care group as part of my weekly routine as a reminder of this time. Maybe in a few months I can chat with my group in front of my lovely fireplace. And, yes, in April or May a fire will still be appropriate in Michigan. Some things truly never change.
One of my favorite perches is on a big, luxurious windowseat in a room at the Hotel Monaco in Chicago. Saturday morning I was restless. I checked out some AirBnBs in Northern Michigan. It sounded nice to run around in the snow a little but it just felt a little lonely to be alone in yet another house in a rural area. I considered another trip to Grand Rapids, but I’d done that already. My mind just kept wandering back to a window seat at the Monaco, but Chicago seemed too big and busy for this particular time.
After checking their rather reasonable rates several times, booking them and canceling them, I considered going for one night. If it felt unsafe or wasn’t very comfortable, I’d just spend one night and come back Sunday. After all, I just wanted to hang out in the room, maybe take a walk on the Riverwalk and eat at some different restaurants than the ones I’ve been eating at for a year. That felt reasonable to me, so I checked out on the IHG app to reserve my room and parking.
I set my GPS for D’amato’s Bakery as I was hankering for an Eggplant Parmesan sandwich. But when I arrived, there was so much snow piled up that it was impossible to find street parking. I gave up and drove to the hotel where I had to unload my own luggage (no bellmen) and checked in to my lovely room with a windowseat overlooking the Chicago River on the 9th Floor. There was no hot chocolate bar in the afternoon, and there was nobody hanging around the lobby by the fireplace. I didn’t even recognize any of the folks at the front desk. It was all very different, but I was so happy it was different than my living room.
I grabbed some soup at the bar across the street and took Ashok on a long walk on the Lakeshore and then back by the Riverwalk. The snow was beautiful. Ice fisherman sat on the ice in the harbor, and runners braved the 20-degree temps to run. I longed for the breathlessness of a long, cold run, but Ashok is too old and I’m not in running shape. Big chunks of frozen ice “pancakes” floated in the river providing a lovely white foreground for Chicago’s riverfront architecture. After the week’s cold temps, it almost felt warm. The sun kept teasing us with light and warmer temperatures, but I preferred the wintry sunless landscape. It looked like Chicago.
Over the last 24 hours I’ve realized that many things about Chicago haven’t changed. Wonderful restaurants abound, and it’s easy to find a hot chocolate. The streets are still nasty in the slush and waterproof footwear is a must. But there are no lines anywhere. The streets are less crowded than I’ve ever seen them. I haven’t even had to wait for the walk light in most cases. There just isn’t any traffic. The restaurants are empty for the most part, and stores have limited inventory with very few patrons. Many storefronts are boarded up. Some boast signs that they’ll be closed until quarantine is over, but others must be gone forever. The city is wounded, but I can still feel its beating heart.
This morning I walked downstairs and I saw the first familiar face I’ve seen since I got here. We both screamed excitedly when we saw each other. She had been laid off for awhile but just came back. She gave Ashok a couple treats, and I sat by the fireplace talking to her just like the good old days. For a minute I forgot about Covid and all that’s it taken from us. On a whim I decided to stay another night and spend another day on my perch in the window.
I’m writing this while a young man with a backpack tries to navigate the snowpack and slush below me. Two fire trucks just flew by on Wacker Drive with their sirens flashing. A runner is passing through the Vietnam Memorial beside the semi-frozen river. The temperature is above 32 for the first time in weeks so the ice and slush are melting into messy puddles. Muted light from the street lamps provide a contrast to the snow. The trucks from a TV Crew filming outside are loading up their equipment. A pigeon lights on one tree and then another as gulls glide over the river. From this window, Chicago looks like the city I’ve always loved. I’m looking forward to seeing it in the spring as new life peaks through the snow.
Thursday’s calendar was blank. Nothing. Nada. It’s not unusual these days. I wake up and the agenda is all mine. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot going on otherwise, so sometimes I opt to sit it out and spend a long morning drinking coffee. I’ll get on and off rabbit trails in the news or on social media, read part of a book, call a friend or take Ashok for a walk. On a wild day, I’ll go for a ride up the coast and find a hike.
We got a LOT of snow this week. I think there’s about a foot and a half on the ground in my yard. Poor Ashok is up to her private parts in the white stuff when she goes out to do her business. I built her a little trail in the yard but she sort of snubs her nose at it. “I’m a dog,” she snorts. “I’m gonna run in the snow.” When I let her out Thursday and saw that we had more snow and my calendar was blank I decided I needed to go north. If some snow was good then more snow was better.
Silver Lake State Park and Little Sable Point Lighthouse
I thought I might drive up to Ludington State Park but on the way I saw a sign for Silver Lake State Park. I’d never been there, and the internet said there was a lighthouse. So, we got off the beaten path, drove down a few snow-covered country roads and ended up in a lovely quiet beachside community. Of course most places were deserted. Snow blanketed sidewalks and steps. The road was plowed but definitely still covered in snow. The dunes signaled the lake was near, and we followed the little road until a beautiful brick lighthouse rose up from the sand.
The waves are frozen from the most recent storms and deep freeze. This is my favorite look for that magnificent lake. Raw and ragged with huge frozen balls of ice submerged in frozen puddles, the ice formations make me think of the moon. I’ve never been to the moon, so I have no idea if this is what it looks like, but it still makes me think of the moon. Ashok and I climbed some dunes which would have been easier with some snowshoes and then eased on down by the lake for a closer look. We had the place to ourselves and I wondered what it must be like in the summer with the beachgoers all around.
Country Dairy in New Era MI
I decided I’d like to head east to see the Manistee-Huron National Forest. I thought I might find an icy river or hike a mile or so on the North Country Trail in the snow. On the way we passed a local dairy that has a wonderful cafe and gift shop. I was surprised they were open in February, but they were. A grilled cheese and pint of chocolate milk later, we were back on the road again.
We found a lovely trailhead on M20 with ski and snow shoe tracks. The snow was really deep so we hiked about 20 minutes or so and came back. It was so quiet and peaceful there. We drove through the forest to Croton Dam and hiked on the NCT there, too. The river was lovely. I remembered hiking that section the first summer I was in Michigan with a friend. We got lost and a 7-mile hike turned into an exhausting 13-miler with a lot of road walking. Thursday was much more fun.
River Stop Cafe in Newaygo MI
I stopped in Newaygo at a lovely little coffee shop/cafe for a cappuccino before I headed home. The day was a perfect sampler of some of my favorite things. We got to see sand dunes, Lake Michigan, a beautiful river, several doe, took a hike in the woods and one on the beach, drove through a beautiful snowy countryside and finished it all off with the perfect cappuccino. Oh yeah, and a pint of chocolate milk makes everything better. I couldn’t fill a day more perfectly.
I just could not take it anymore. I had a meltdown talking to my coach yesterday, and she led me to take a small step that would make me feel a little more in control. I wanted a taste of civilization …. a city … something different than the same four walls I’ve been looking at for almost a year.
Of course I would love to go to the Hotel Monaco in Chicago. But Chicago feels a bit overwhelming given the COVID situation. I’ve been wanting to explore Grand Rapids so I found a sweet little pet-friendly boutique hotel downtown and made a reservation. My spirits lifted a little as soon as I hit send. I know it won’t be the same as it would have been pre-COVID, but it definitely will be a change. As much as I love our St. Joe, I just need to have some conveniences that a rural lakeside town does not offer.
The Blue Bridge
The hour and 20-minute drive flew by as I listened to one of the Joe Pickett mysteries and enjoyed the passing snowy landscape. Ashok slept and seemed content just to be away from the cats for an hour or a day. It was 12 years ago the day after Valentine’s Day that I adopted my girl. I remember picking her up at the woman’s house who found her. She hopped in the passenger seat and looked at me quizzically. I promised her I’d take her camping and running and hiking and that she would have a great life. In turn, she has given me way more than I ever gave her. So, we’ll celebrate Valentine’s Day together iduring a pandemic in a hotel in Grand Rapids MI. I don’t know what we’ll do, but we’ll figure it out.
Sam welcomed me to the AC Hotel and gave me instructions on where to park. He saw Ashok from the car and told me he had a treat all ready for her. Ashok was so excited to be greeted and loved on right off the bat. We unpacked and headed out for a walk on the Blue Bridge which crosses the river downtown. It was cold and beautiful, and there were quite a few other walkers. Two men were running sprints across the bridge, and I found myself envious that I can no longer keep up that kind of pace.
We walked downtown and past the ice skating rink in the Rosa Parks Circle. After returning to the hotel and assessing the lay of the land I asked Matt and Sam where I should eat. Matt was so enthusiastic about the Cuban Street Food that they serve at the hotel that I decided to stay in and take his advice. He treated me like a queen as I was the only guest. I got a short tour of the amenities in the lobby. Comfy pit sofas piled high with pillows surround a cozy fireplace. He showed me how to make my own Nespresso and pointed out the library. I’ll be cozied up by that fire with my coffee tomorrow morning. I can hardly wait.
The chef hooked me up with a sampler of small plates of Cuban Street Food. My favorite was the Provoleta with crispy chorizo, curtido salsa and crostini. The bubbling bowl of melted cheese topped with the most flavorful chorizo I have ever eaten was worth it’s messiness. I’d pile big globs of cheese on top of the crostini and top it with the chorizo and salsa. I ran out of it way too fast but didn’t dare ask for more. I did, however, ask for an order of the Churros with hot chocolate. Every bite of everything they brought out was outstanding. My next trip might be to Cuba.
Cuban Street Food at the AC Hotel … YUMMY!
My friend Liz and I tried to get reservations for tomorrow night, but with restaurants only booking at 25% capacity it was too late for us to find anything at a decent hour. We decided to get takeout and eat in this beautiful lobby. We might even get a good cup of espresso as a finisher. I know tomorrow I’ll be enjoying some time in that library and in front of the fireplace. I may not be able to get out and do a lot, but staying in at this lovely hotel is definitely an upgrade from my living room sofa.
So, I’m here. My frame of mind is already improved. The thing I’ve missed most about traveling is the people I meet. It’s harder to meet people in masks because it’s more difficult to communicate. But Matt and Sam were so happy to have the hotel open that they went above and beyond to be friendly. I don’t care if I don’t leave the hotel at all. Enjoying some good food, a nice environment and having inspiration to write is a treat. And it’s kind of cool to walk across a blue bridge and watch the ice skaters, too.
More to come…..
This morning’s meditation in the Calm App was on Distraction. I can’t tell you a lot about it because I was so distracted for most of it, but the narrator said that our brains are extraordinary machines. The one exception is that they are so sensitive to interruptions. ‘How interesting‘, I thought. But then I immediately started worrying that I didn’t have enough muesli for breakfast.
That’s meditation. Many people don’t meditate because they can’t stop their thinking. That’s actually the point. You can’t stop your thinking. That’s what the mind does. It thinks. And when it finds a wide open timeframe when you are are sitting there doing nothing, it thinks even more. Meditation practice is not about stopping your thinking. It’s about stopping yourself from going down the rabbit hole. It’s a practice that encourages a looser relationship to our thoughts.
We are so entertained by our own thoughts. I believe it’s our greatest addiction, and it leads to all other addictions. After all, do you ever grab that brownie – or drink or caffeine or engage in a hookup – without thinking you want it or that you need it to distract you from something else you’d rather not think about? I’ve spent a large portion of my life following my fickle thoughts down whatever rabbit hole they have opened. How much sleep have I wasted racing through the vast tunnels of my mind? And to what end?
Thoughts come and go and are often contradictory or nonsensical. It’s as if my brain is lobbing ideas to see which ones stick. I have to decipher what is grounded in reality and what are just random thoughts. A yoga teacher once said, “The brain that is calling you a fat pig because you ate that piece of apple pie is the same brain that told you 15 minutes ago that you deserved a treat.” Our job is to decide which of those thoughts are meaningful input and which are just distractions. The power is in the deciding.
In the grasp of my anxious mind, I listen to too many suggestions and judgments thrown at me by my brain. Rarely are any of these informative. When I get serious about dealing with my anxiety, I increase my meditation practice. My meditation practice develops my concentration muscle so I am NOT reacting to my churning thoughts. I have the power to decide if the input is meaningful or just junk. That can be the difference between a good night’s sleep and a restless one or a wasted life and a meaningful one.
My hiking buddy Liz and I decided to go hiking at Muskegon State Park yesterday. The sun was out and, for a Michigan January day, the temps were mild. I just met Liz in a Hikerbabes community on Facebook. She has recently moved to the Grand Rapids area, and I’m still in the friend-making zone in Southwest Michigan. It’s been fun exploring a new friendship and having someone to hike with who is dog-friendly and eager to get outdoors in Michigan.
We parked at Snug Harbor and decided to hike around Muskegon Lake and end up on the Ridge Trail to catch some glorious views. There was snow on the ground, and it was fun to catch glimpses of the ice fisherman on the lake. The lake wasn’t frozen through. In fact, at the edge near our start, there was open water. We couldn’t believe people would actually hike out on that ice and fish when it seemed likely some of it was not frozen. But those concerns came from a Southern girl and a Midwestern city girl with no ice fishing knowledge. Maybe we just didn’t get it.
Our hiking conversation turned to binge-watching Sex and the City, the travesties and adventures of online dating and the challenges and joys of being footloose and fancy-free during a pandemic. Ashok patiently hiked along with us enjoying the shoreline ice and grateful when we stopped to take in a view. The sun was warming, and the snow was deep enough to be pretty but not deep enough to cause us issues.
As we left the shoreline, we opted to hike across the dunes off-trail. To be honest, we spent our time trying to avoid steep climbs rather than following the trail, and we were doing pretty well. We finally meandered to the top of the dunes. The views were amazing. Muskegon Lake was clearly visible, and to our right Lake Michigan glimmered in the sun. We ran into a few other groups and started to head back on the easy trail.
I reached to grab my phone for a picture, and it was not there. I tried every pocket. It was not there. I even tried pockets I would have never used hoping for some dumb reason I had stashed it there. Somewhere among the dating stories and the worry about the ice fisherman, I had dropped my iPhone. And a quick run back a few yards told me it wasn’t close by.
I was so embarrassed. I thought back to how we hiked across the dunes sans trail. The piles of snow and sand behind us stretched for what seemed like miles. Images of trekking across the Sahara desert flashed through my mind. They were quickly overtaken by estimates of how much it would cost to replace my phone and a search of my memory of whether or not I’d bought the insurance.
Liz asked if I had had “Find my iPhone” turned on, and I did. We tried to sign me in, but it kept asking for the verification code they just texted me. Well, if I had my phone to get a text I wouldn’t be trying to find it. Somehow security has gotten so ridiculous that it doesn’t even make sense anymore. Somewhere in the sand and snow a text landed on my phone with a code that I needed. We tried calling my phone in the hopes it was nearby and could be heard. It wasn’t.
We ended up calling Apple. It took about 30 minutes to get through as we walked across the sand trying to catch a glimpse the tracks of a pair of humans and one dog. The agent across the world sent us back to the webpage, but we got the same result. He did something on his end, and we were finally able to get through. So now we had a visual of my phone, and it appeared it was back in the car. That really would have been embarrassing, but I knew I had my phone when I took pictures earlier. Nothing seemed to be working out. We decided the best thing to do was to at least go back to the shoreline and hope I dropped it back there.
Lake Michigan sand dunes are challenging to climb. They are towering piles of sand that are not incremental in their rise. You can go in between the dunes to some extent, but you have to climb. When you climb these steep piles of sand, it shifts beneath your feet. And when you descend, you slide. At one point we both fell down trying to get up one of the dunes. And I slid down one on my butt. By the time we were out of the dunes, our legs and our glutes were toast. We finally made it back to the place where I took the last picture but found no phone. In fact, we never even found our trail. It was disheartening.
I had accepted the fact that I would not find my phone. I was just going to have to cough up the money and get a new phone. I knew if I got bent out of shape about it, it wouldn’t help. Then Liz realized my phone was not located back at the car. Once we got to the lake, the GPS shifted and it looked totally different. Or maybe we were looking at it wrong. Whatever the case, we had a lock on the location now. It was back in the dunes, and we were on the way back to the car. But with a location and what looked like a road that got us close to it, we had a glimmer of hope.
We got back to the car and drove over to this road. I offered to come back today. I didn’t want to make her hunt for it, and I felt bad about all of this drama. But she said she was determined to find this phone, and we were going to do it. We both decided it was an adventure, and it was going to have a happy ending. Even if I ended up buying a shiny new phone, we were going to have fun doing it.
So we spent the next hour navigating through the forest and over the dunes trying to find that little dot in the middle of the sand dunes. If we could find our trail, we surely could find that phone. Up and down dunes, around and through grass and trees we searched. We laughed about talking with that agent on the other side of the planet while we were standing in the wilderness. We shared stories of things lost and found. And we despaired and we searched. Sometimes the GPS freaked out and put us in the middle of Lake Michigan. Then it would straighten itself out. And our little GPS dot kept getting closer to the iPhone dot. Finally we were really close. We climbed over the top of a dune, and I spotted our trail. There were dog prints and at least two sets of people prints. Liz went one way, and I went the other. Not 100 yards away, I saw my trusty iPhone lying facedown in the snow.
It WAS an adventure. Our feet hurt and our muscles were starting to get sore. We were both starving and had long drives back home. But we were both so happy to have utilized our technology and our wits to find that phone. We even thought about calling our helper in India and telling him we found it.
Driving home I reflected on my day and what I could learn from this little adventure. I thought of my current job search. The number of options I have feels a bit like a lost iPhone in miles of sand dunes. I literally could make a hundred different choices and none of them would be wrong. Much like we traversed the dunes, I’ve opted to go off trail this time. I’ve used technology, my friends and other resources to help me navigate. I often question my decisions and wonder whether or not I will find my way. I’m getting closer to that dot of where I will land, but I also know that if I don’t get there – wherever there is – I will be okay. I may have to spend more money, and I may have to try something new, but, whatever happens, it will be an adventure. And, whatever happens, I will handle it.
I’m working through The Artist’s Way with a group of friends, and we are discussing the chapter that begs the question “Why don’t you treat yourself to some creative luxuries?” I had to ask myself why I haven’t ever even purchased a nice writing pen. I am a writer! I haven’t purchased a writing software. I’ve only taken one writing class. And forget other creative materials. I have none. Well, I did buy some wooden wick candle-making supplies last year but only because I got tired of paying for candles. It was hardly a creative splurge.
This morning I was writing my Morning Pages, and my cheap ass pen ran out of ink again. I like these gel pens, but I buy the disposable ones that run out of ink after about three days of writing. I hate the waste and the plastic that ends up in the landfill. I’ve always thought buying a nice pen would be wildly expensive, and I’d probably lose it anyway. But after the discussion this week about my not investing in my creativity, I got to thinking that I should buy a nice pen.
I was a bit shocked when I saw a $950 pen. Whoa! Now that would be an extravagance.
It was beautiful but since I don’t even know what kind of pen I like, I thought I might start a little smaller. Cross has a 55% discount on their already sale-priced outlet pens so I decided on a 2019 Year of the Pig Townsend Rollerball pen. My birthday is in the Year of the Ox as is 2021. So it’s not on sale right now. If I really like this pen maybe I’ll splurge at some point and get the Ox model. And, hey, I got a $300 pen for $100. Yes, it’s a luxury when I could buy 24 for $7.99 at Staples, but it hardly will break the bank.
So, now when I write my Morning Pages, I’ll have a nice pen that feels good in my hand. Maybe I’ll want to write more. If I start writing more, I’ll need to be more comfortable. That could lead me to setting up a real desk somewhere in my home. If I set up a desk, I’ll need a writing software such as Scrivener to organize my thoughts. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll take some writing courses. Right now, I think I’ll be happy with myself for splurging on a nice pen. It could literally lead me anywhere, one word at a time.
I have three Christmas trees. One is a beautiful Balsam Fir I purchased from Balsam Hill. It was a treat I gave myself since I’ve enjoyed my tree so much the last couple of years. It’s perfect although Michael says I’m not fluffing it enough. (But he’s a bit compulsive about fluffing and maybe a few other things.) The other two trees are reflections of the first. And while they may not actually be additional trees, they give off as much light as an evergreen threesome. Reflections of light multiply luminosity. I don’t even need a lamp in my living room.
Oddly enough with all of this luminescence in my living room, the light doesn’t illuminate my face in Zoom calls. I had the idea the other night that I’d turn off the lamp because it was so bright in here, and I love the candlelight effect on my aging skin. But I looked like I was sitting in the dark. I was perplexed.
I researched reflection and refraction of light to see why this phenomena is occurring but I couldn’t really figure it out. And then I got bored because I’m actually more interested in Christmas trees than the science of reflection. I decorated my very first Christmas tree as an adult when I lived in Monroeville, Pennsylvania. I was married. It was our first Christmas, and I went to K-Mart or some such big box store and bought a small plastic-like Christmas tree and some ornaments with a Little Drummer Boy theme. In comparison to my beautiful tree today it wasn’t much, but it was my first.
The next decade was a Southern Living Christmas decorating extravaganza featuring live greenery spray-painted silver and gold, fresh-cut trees and gaudy Christmas sweaters. Christmas became an event to plan for, decorate, share with others in lavish parties and then laboriously unravel after New Year’s. After we divorced, I continued to get live trees when I wasn’t traveling for the holidays. My second husband hated Christmas, so putting up trees during that marriage felt like yet another unbearable struggle, and I lost interest. It just wasn’t worth the effort.
Michael helped me with my first tree after my second divorce. I bought a live one at a little Midtown tree lot, and we dragged it up my stairs to my small apartment in Memphis. I call it The Crying Tree because I spent that Christmas bathing in its light while grieving the loss of my marriages and fearing I would never be happy. Ironically, it is the tree that I remember the most. I spent so much time with it. The ornaments were gathered over decades of my life and each represented a memory of a person, a place or a significant event. While many of them reminded me of loss, their prominence on that tree helped me grieve and let go of the past.
I wouldn’t have another tree until a couple of years ago. Those ornaments from The Crying Tree are gathering dust in a box that I can’t bring myself to open. Photos of my long-ago stepchildren who I no longer see, pets that are deceased and gifts from people no longer in my life remind me of what I’ve lost and not what I’ve gained. I’ll go through them one day…. or not. But loss is not what I want to see reflected in my window. I want sparkly beauty that multiplies into explosions of light. I want the gentle caress of candlelight that illuminates the present and has the potential to light up my future. I chose classic glass ornaments for their lovely reflective properties. I love my Memphis tree for what it gave me, and I love all of my trees for what they represented. But, for this moment, I love my three Michigan Christmas trees the best. And, even though they don’t illuminate my face, they light up my heart.
One of the best things about writing a blog is that I can return to posts to see what I was thinking or struggling with a year ago or five years ago. I started writing Midlife Moments in 2012, and it was interesting to go back tonight and see what I was doing each New Year’s Eve during those 8 years. In some Decembers I was obviously struggling with depression. In 2012, my life and goals were all about running. One year I was on a backpacking trip on the Wild Azalea Trail in Louisiana but still managed to post a blog. And last year all I wanted to do was to commit to 30 days of yoga to see what would come up for me. Well…..
On the winter solstice, I attended a Soul Care group with my coach and a group of women whom I have never met in person but who are becoming a solid piece of my support network. Barb led us in a meditation where we reviewed 2020 month-by-month and reflected on what had happened to us during that time.
It’s odd to even think of January and February of this year with its normalcy of work and hugs and breathing all over each other without a care in the world. What we were thinking? Early March came around, and all hell broke loose at work with a big test to see if we could run that contact center from home. Within 24 hours of a successful test we packed up our belongings and went home for three weeks which turned into three months and then forever for a whole bunch of us.
On a positive note, I have spent a lot of time outdoors this year. I’m sure it’s been good for my spirit. I know this year has been good for Ashok. I got a new kitten after losing my sweet Buster Kitty. Luna has brought a lot of life to my home to the dismay of my other pets. But I’ve certainly enjoyed his playfulness and energy. I have been given the gift of precious time to sort out my next step career-wise. I am supported financially and have the security to explore my options. I have also stayed healthy, both mentally and physically. I do not want Covid-19. No thank you. I don’t need it. I don’t wan’t it. Stay away from me, you dastardly disease.
I’ve learned a lot about myself. With the unrelenting solitude of my current situation due to covid and being unemployed, I have a lot of time to reflect. I’m in a bubble surrounded by all of my pretty baubles and shiny things, and I have time to look at each one to decide if I really want to keep it. I also have time to feel the loss of things that are missing and to discover new pleasures. I have been given the gift of choosing what works for me and what doesn’t. And I’m learning some surprising things.
This week I discovered that I’ve largely structured my life with a lot of self-imposed “shoulds” that don’t really make me happy. For instance, I’ve beat myself up for years because I’m not reading as much as I “should”. I make goals and resolutions to read more. I joined a book club so that I would be encouraged to read more. I have two e-readers full of books that I have half-read. I used to read all the time. It was my default hobby. If I wasn’t doing something else I was reading. I loved it. In my mind, I believed I “should” get back to that because obviously it was good for me. Yoga was the same way. It literally changed my life at one time. But I’m resisting doing it now. Yes, I read on occasion. And, yes, I do yoga on occasion. But I have a relentless expectation that these activities need to be a part of my daily schedule.
I’m taking a class online, and the teacher talked about our relentless expectations. She said we set ourselves up for disappointment. We have an expectation of ourselves, and we don’t meet it. In our mind we failed. The expectation becomes even more urgent. Before long, we are pounding ourselves about this particular expectation so much that we destroy any chance of acceptance of ourselves. I immediately recognized my expectation about reading as one of these relentless expectations. Why am I beating myself up over this? I obviously enjoy podcasts more now. I enjoy hiking. My free time is spent baking and talking on the phone to friends and even writing. But instead of enjoying the hobbies I love, I’m relentlessly expecting myself to read and disappointing myself every day.
Hmmmm…. What other relentless expectations do I have that I want to release? All of a sudden I feel like I can reinvent my life. I would prefer to meditate every day instead of having a daily yoga practice so I can let that go. Just because it was life-changing 15 years ago doesn’t mean it is today. And meditation may be the thing I let go of next year. I don’t actually want to do strength-training 3 days a week and run on the days in between. I don’t even like running anymore. I’d like to be more fluid about my workouts and do what I feel like doing that day. To hell with a schedule. And with all of this free time I’m opening up, I want to get involved with a community theater and maybe do some acting! Who knows what I really like to do for fun?
I am not in a place to know what I want to do in 2021. I don’t have a focus. I don’t even have a job. But I know what I don’t want to do. I don’t want to follow a script that was not written by me. There is a saying that expectations are premeditated resentments. I have been setting myself up to resent myself. And I’m tired of resenting myself for not following through on these relentless expectations. I want 2021 to be a kindler, gentler year for me. I want to give myself time to explore my interests and pursue some of them, even if they seem indulgent or silly. I have time. In fact, I have until the end of my time on this earth to figure me out. The only expectation I want to have is to love myself and all that I bring to this party.
2021, I have no resolutions this year. I have no expectations. And I’ll bet by the end of the year, I won’t be disappointed. And, with any luck, I’ll love how I spend my time by December 2021.
“The Big Chill” was my anthem in my early twenties. The movie about the coming of age of a bunch of college graduates struck a nerve in my own navigation of becoming a woman and a wife. I watched it over and over again. Friends watched it with me, and we sighed with understanding of the journey we were taking and its inevitable losses and gains. The writers saw me, moved me and showed me the way. I relished every second of its embrace.
It’s been almost 6 months since I left my job. I’ve spent some time traveling, been obsessed with a transformative election and fretted about my future. There is movement in this transition much like the movement afoot during my early twenties. I am navigating a new phase of my life, a possible reinvention of my career while at the same time grieving the losses of my life before. Excitement quickly morphs into fear. Loss is overshadowed by hope. Youth is transformed by the marching of time. And, this time, the culture is moving with me. There is so much changing right now, and I suspect much more change is ahead of us.
“The West Wing” has been my salve and solace. A friend of mine nailed me on my obsession with “The West Wing.” “Josh Lyman is your kind of guy,” she said. His combination of sarcasm, wit, energy and intelligence has me wishing for my own Josh live-in. But there’s much more to my obsession with this show than my romantic female fantasies. The show epitomizes the destabilizing movement of time. The actors age and evolve. The issues of more than a decade ago still play out in the news. Time goes very quickly but change is very slow.
I’m on my second watch of the series, and I’m fast-forwarding because of its removal from Netflix on December 24. I’m also listening to “The West Wing Weekly“, a superb rehash of every episode complete with interviews and guest appearances of the actors, writers and producers on the show as well as political experts of the topics in question. I am seeped in this world, and it is seeping into me. I dream about it at night and wake up listening to the podcast each morning.
Last night I watched “A Change is Gonna Come”. It’s the second time I’ve seen it, but I’m in a different place now. I don’t even remember it from the first time, but I was so transfixed this time that I woke up this morning wanting to watch it again. Six months into this journey, I’m ready for a change. With a vaccine available, our world is ready for a change. With so many uncomfortable truths unearthed during this pandemic, our country is ready for a change. We are on a precipice.
This episode features James Taylor singing a rendition of Sam Cook’s song of the same name. It comes at a time when the President is starting to experience some troubling physical changes, the next election is coming up which will bring enormous change, and changes are happening for all of my beloved characters. We know that the world as they know it will no longer exist. The moving lyrics of this lovely ballad dubbed over the faces of my beloved cast of characters moved me. And the movement toward the unknown felt very familiar.
This morning I have an appointment with a recruiter about a nonprofit job. Immediately following I have a meeting with my coach. By noon I may have an inkling about my immediate future, or I may be back in the dark. Either way I will continue to stare into the unknown. There will be no answers today. My only hope is to become comfortable with not knowing, to embrace the void. Oddly enough, when I watch “The Big Chill” now it seems completely stupid. I can’t imagine ever relating to those characters or that plot. Anthems are forged at the intersection of life and feeling. We are in a collective moment of change. We don’t know what life will look like six months from now. But we can all be sure that “a change is gonna come”. I hope it sounds as beautiful as this.